Miss Carolyn rants.

Moved again.

2008-08-20T23:23:00.001+08:00

http://ihatetowait.blogspot.com

inspired by LJ. (slow LJ)

I'm skipping town

2008-08-16T17:54:00.001+08:00

http://inlight-ecstasy.livejournal.com

It is time.

Finally!

2008-08-13T02:14:00.002+08:00

Blogger FTW!!! LJ doesn't allow me to upload photos I don't know why the hell!

Finally - newer photos!

bliss.

2008-08-13T00:46:00.002+08:00

in love, there always exist this invisible line - the one of which we smile to our mobile phone when a message comes. the one where we can stare into our partners' eye in awe and wonder somehow since when did we really fall in love?

and that is bliss.

after bliss, stablity comes. and i cant wait for everyday to come as I fall even more in love with him.

maybe i'm ready to open the livejournal to people, maybe. just maybe.

*inlight-ecstasy

:/

2008-08-11T23:11:00.001+08:00

As the saying goes, once bitten twice shy.

The greatest sacrifice in love is letting the person go in search of their own happiness.

Being a kid.

2008-08-11T08:16:00.003+08:00

Livejournal is down... Or is it my connection? Anyway, I just reached home.

We had one of those days last night where my mom insisted I've been staying out too much and that I spend the whole day out - not caring at all that I have a home. Bong had her dad screaming at her as well.

Well, I guess this is a natural parents' instinct. When they think they're kid has been out too much, or hasn't returned home in ages, they tend to suddenly grab onto you tightly and want you to stay home. I won't say I'm upset my mom is doing this because I know she means well, but sometimes I'd like to think that I "zhi you fen chun" (is that even correct?) meaning to say I know my own limits. That part of it she doesn't have to worry. At the end of the day, as long as I'm not lying or doing any illegal activities, she pretty much knows my days are out with Jam.

Only - parents' still tend to take for granted that they know their kid is safe because they still want to shelter them from the dark dark world until as long as they can.

Harsh reality

2008-08-07T16:45:00.001+08:00

Sometimes, I find myself a little more harsher than the normal person. I get angry easily and the words that sprout out of my mouth during these angry moments aren't the nicest or sweetest words around. I could have chosen to use gentler words in the event of an argument but when push comes to shove, I normally refuse to. Only because I want to reiterate how I feel. In fact, sometimes, the emphasis I put on those deep, hurting words can really make a person dumbfounded.

Maybe I ought to choose better words the next time a conflict arise. Perhaps this would make me a happier person OR it'd lessen the enemies I have made over the years.

On a hiatus

2008-08-05T23:29:00.002+08:00

Moved to somewhere else for awhile?

Sneak peak to my latest entry:
I want a clean start. An avenue where I can look forward to typing in because my blog has mimicked exactly the kind of person I am in real life ; the one that goes "LIKE NICE! Ohmy sian." I know, I know. I hate that life of mine - I really do. Yet at the same time, there is a part of me that can't let go of it.

I wanted something simple. A journal where everybody can look inside and find the real me. Not the one that gets drunk every Wed, Thurs, Fri, Sat night - the party animal in me. I kind of hate how miss-carolyn turned out to be: especially since it chronicled the few months I needed to....

---

Drop a comment if you want my new address, but for now.. stay here, don't go away. I'll be blogging here as well.

In heaven.

2008-08-05T20:29:00.003+08:00

It has come to my attention that there is a lack of post these days and I am truly apologetic for it. According to my statistics, there are at least a safe number of 70 of you that have been constantly reading my blog daily with sometimes more than one hit in a day. I know, some of you concern friends out there read my blog day in and out because you want to have a slight update of my life. Maybe some of you out there don't even know me but enjoy reading my backyard rants. Or there are just some people out there whom I haven't talked to for ages whom just come back for more.

I know, I know. It is my fault. I have recently been bogged down with too many things - or you can say I am just enjoying my honeymoon period with the boyfriend, no less.

I spend alternate nights at his place and no, he doesn't stay in some cave where there isn't internet connection. There is good wireless connection at his place - in fact I think it's even better than mine. But I spend my time lazing on his bed watching TV or watching TV shows like Without a Trace online. If I'm not doing either, I'd be sitting in his living room playing with his baby cousin or out to say, dinner with other couples (such as Bong and Leo).

Things get stale when you're in a relationship from the outsider's point of view. You can't get enough of talking about the boyfriend, or the boyfriend's mother, or the boyfriend's sister or even how my mom caught my lovebite this evening. There just isn't much to say because I'm either at work (which Godforbid, i'm just an intern so I should not be blogging about the company) or I'm with the boyfriend... or other couples because everybody else is happily matched up with someone else.

I have been thinking of changing blog again but I'm so afraid of changes. It's like I'm afraid of starting all over again but then again in life, the only thing constant is change.

Food for thought: I read a good quote from a friend's blog yesterday so I'll end my blog at this note
"The only thing in life that can make you completely happy is contentment." and i agree absolutely.

"My head says no but my body betrays"

2008-07-31T15:46:00.000+08:00

Since I was a little girl, I've always thought that men should be the one to chase after the women. I remembered being told upteen times since young that man should always give in to women no matter how impatient, incorrigible and unreasonable she can get. Needless to say, I was very pampered at home because I was the only daughter of the house then.

Not long after, I realized that women seem to have this knack at irritating men till the point of no return. On top of all of these, in movies, they used to portray men pulling women back at the time of crisis or how they would offer their big shoulders for women to lie on when they are tired, or how they would offer their comfort by letting the woman lean on their chest in a big embrace when a woman is crying. That if a woman would say "I want to leave you," he would pull her back and never let her leave.

As soon as age caught up on me and I start to date around, I imagined all of this would happen in my relationship. But I slowly found out that even though we held hands and looked at each other lovingly, the romantic dates by the beach and surprise presents at my door never happens. The classic flowers + soft toy (bear usually) + chocolates (usually ferraro roche) never seemed to happen for me. Once in a blue moon, some joker would adhere to such classic and buy me flowers and soft toys but it never seemed to be the boyfriend who does it.

This always only happen when I do not like the guy or when some guy is wooing me. It just never happened for me in relationships. This is when reality hit me. It would never happen. The idea of proposing by the beach at night with flowers in hand and a wedding ring in the pocket, with him kneeling down in front of 200 people and saying, "Carolyn, I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Will you marry me?" and in that instance, I drop a tear and reach out my hand and say, "Yes, I will marry you.." then he would hold my hand and kiss my lips and the crowd would be wolf-whistling and he would hug me and smile to the crowd in this I'm-so-proud-she's-going-to-be-my-wife face.

It just wouldn't surface, huh? It's just an old scene from the movie. These days, everybody is practical. Everybody wants to earn money, marry the richest guy and live in luxury. All of these wedding proposals are nothing but "NA. here's the ring I bought, see if it can fit." and the girl would answer "Oh okay lor, ya it fits." Then the customary wedding begins. How can I live with no regrets if my wedding proposal is like that? What am I going to tell my kids next time? "Your dad was so unromantic. He bought a ring and passed it to me and ask if my fingers can fit into the ring. That was how he proposed." What the hell! I will never live with that for the rest of my life.

But last night led me to believe that somehow, somewhere, there are still good men around.

Beneath all the differences we have, I keep thinking that I have found my perfect man. Last night, despite all the drama of shouting and screaming at each other and my first and affirmed "There is no point being together. Let's not see each other anymore.".. I picked my clothes out of the closet and placed it in my bag, ready to leave his house and never ever seeing him again.. another kind of affirmation happen.

The kind of affirmation that you don't ever get anywhere. The one of which as I packed my clothes into my bag with anger and irritatation, he came over and hug me from behind and he carried me to his bed and I sat on his leg while he sunk his head against my back still holding my waist. How can I not love him? I can see all of you go "Alalalalala sweet only." I know right. It is really in that term "Alalalalalala, sweet only"

Even though I've been in so many relationships and used the word break-up more than the number of years I've spent in this world (19), I have never had any guy hug me from behind and sink his face into my back in all honesty. In that circumstance, I loved him even more and I knew I wanted to be with him more than anything in this world.

Take that!

2008-07-28T13:42:00.006+08:00

In order to appease your highness, Hazel..

(because she was angry that everybody is laughing at her ugly photo)

And because Candice didn't wait for us during lunch and went straight ahead and took the lift TWICE, here's how I'm going to make Hazel laugh like this..

Candice with her number 1 (get it, finger? number one?) impersonation.
When Candice is drunk, she likes to act cute.

HAHAHAHAHA.
I remembered just ten minutes ago Candice passed off a remark during lunch,
"I think we should club really soon."
No doubt about that Candice, we should club really soon!
Note to self: Bring a camera

Held hostage

2008-07-27T14:36:00.003+08:00

"This isn't about the money. You didn't want to sign the papers because you didn't want to say Goodbye," Jack Malone in Without a Trace

I've always thought that we should preserve the sanctity of human life. But then again, when push comes to shove, we always end up doing something irrational and we aren't able to accept the consequence that comes with it.

Many a times, we've thought about the word hate. We've thought about killing someone or committing a crime. This has been more or less unjustifiable but whatthehell, in the spur of the moment, we do it for the sake of. Most of these petty crimes we always end up with nothing in our defense except that "we weren't thinking".

But can we really not be thinking if we have planned to do something a long long time ago? Is that even just?

Saturday night

2008-07-26T23:58:00.003+08:00

It's a perfect Saturday night where for once, my family didn't fight during dinner. I was supposed to head out for drinks with Annie and Ahbong but it got cancelled eventually. I was supposed to play mahjong but I couldn't find enough players.
.
.
.
.
.

What a perfect night yet I'm stuck at home wishing my boyfriend was here with me. He couldn't make it to my family dinner because the poor boy has been/is working too hard.

I love you jam. I'm so proud of you for working so hard.

Of the ol' days.

2008-07-26T13:58:00.004+08:00

My boyfriend is working too hard.

I met Shermien, my old friend from so long ago and I'm officially late because I haven't gotten ready to go and meet my P1 classmate reunion.

Picture Perfect

2008-07-25T16:01:00.002+08:00

Think everyone is picture perfect from the previous post? Well, look at these unglam photos I collected.

I told you you ~~men~~boys will do for now... ahahahhahahaa.

The perfect man

2008-07-24T20:36:00.006+08:00

Funny how just a month or more ago, I was in search for the perfect man.

I almost ended up looking like this; just that I don't have a dog to compliment me.

Then when I look around at my friends, we seem to all look the same.

Doesn't that look like Ahbong, Melissa, Candice, Hazel and I? Of course the one in the wheelchair is Hazel because she found her perfect man earlier than all of us and she'll be in the wheelchair first 'cos she's 1/4 a century old (*cue sticks on tongue*).

And although we've always been (or will always be,) in search for the perfect man, I guess sometimes if we lower our expectations, what we have is sometimes good enough.

I guess the few of you will do for now.. AHAHAHAHAHAHAH.

Angela and Leonard

Melissa and Raven

Zazzier and Isnin

Candice and Clemence

Carolyn and James

HAHAHAHAH. Just kidding. To forever and ever for all of us.

Sometimes, when you're so ridiculously tired and your partner looks at you with endearing eyes and make funny faces and annoy you all night, you can't help but smile inside. It's not easy finding the perfect man yet it's also not easy keeping a relationship. There are times when we are bored of our partners and temptations are all over the place but no matter how many times we bat our eyelids at someone new, we will find a way home to the one who's in our heart.

And just to end my entry, here's a poem (taken from Tze's testimonial for me a long time ago)

The perfect man
The perfect man is gentle
Never cruel or mean
He has a beautiful smile
And keeps his face so clean.

The perfect man likes children
And will raise them by your side
He will be a good father
As well as a good husband to his bride.

The perfect man loves cooking
Cleaning and vacuuming too
He'll do anything in his power
To convey his feelings of love on to you.

The perfect man is sweet
Writing poetry from your name
He's a best friend to your mother
And kisses away your pain.

He never has made you cry
Or hurt you in any way
To hell with this endless poem
The perfect man is gay

On bended knees

2008-07-24T14:31:00.000+08:00

On Bended Knees - Boys II Men

I stumbled on my old friend - irrationality. It is a secret friend that I never liked to use. But being in a relationship now, it has come back to haunt me. I said something I didn't mean this morning and I realized what kind of heartbreak I would cause Jam. I thought about it for a long while and tried to apologize. Obviously it wasn't enough.

He hasn't been replying me so let's hope he's reading this. So here goes - I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say what I said this morning. He's giving me the silent treatment and I guess it is only what I deserved.

But I can't stand silent treatment. I crumble under silent treatment. This is driving me insane.

An old photo

2008-07-23T02:30:00.002+08:00

This photo is of Bong and I clubbing for the first time. We both look hideous and I cannot stop laughing when I see this photo.

Those were the days my friend, we thought they'd never end..

More language humour.

2008-07-22T14:18:00.005+08:00

I can't believe there are people thinking of such things!! (or even saying such things, AHAHAHHAA.)

On resumes,
1. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse..
2. It's best for employers that I not work with people
3. Failed bar exams with relatively high grades
4. I have lurnt WordPerfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheat progroms.
5. Reason for leaving last job: Maturity leave

AHAHAHA.

On definitions of word,
Adult: A person who has stopped growing on both ends but are starting to grow in the middle.
Cannibal: A person who is fed up of people
Raisin: A grape with a sunburn
Yawn: An honest opinion openly expressed.

Jokes,
Teacher: John. Give me a sentence beginning with 'I'.
John: I is the...
Teacher: No, John. You must say "I am" not "I is."
John: All right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

Get it? You're pretty WOLS if you don't get it. (wols = slow)

Of kids speaking in school,
"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
"When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire."

Of kids at home,
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin and Ryan. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait'."
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, " Ryan , you be Jesus!"

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

Why my kid couldn't come to school.
Please excuse Johnny for being. It was his father's fault.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

This is really good

2008-07-22T10:54:00.000+08:00

Got it off the internet, kudos to the person who wrote it.

The English Language

Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?

"Let's face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)

That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends. "

Jam-jam-baby.

2008-07-21T00:38:00.004+08:00

This is what happens when he reads my blog, and he puts it to action. "quoted from 2 entries ago - And happy one month. Many more to come, yes? (Many more of you annoying me.. irritating!)"

Annoying the hell out of me.

I don't need no macbook to tell me he can't take a proper photo!

Most annoying photo of the day goes to:

Ya ya ya, I bet there's more to come Jam.
That's the problem with relationships huh? Once we start to get into comfort zone, you burp in each other's face, you fart and you snore. And all these really bad habits start to surface and before you know it, you're starting to regret being with him!

The truth is, it is all these imperfections that I am dearly attracted to him. As he always ask, "Why did you choose me,(especially out of all those guys)?" I always have no answer but I've finally found the answer.

It is because I've loving him for his imperfections, not just his perfections. And because I see these imperfections as perfections - that's why I am loving him more each day.

(and yes, im starting to suffocate my blog with his photo and things about him - im starting to sound like a 19 year old girl struck with love! How annoying!!!!)

Lazy monthsary.

2008-07-21T00:25:00.004+08:00

Well, we spent our sunday lazing in bed.

Him with my pink colour heart-shaped bed-sheet and my macbook, what a perfect match. Best remedy for a lazy sunday. I'll give anything to spend time like this everyday, any day. Forever, maybe?

1 month

2008-07-20T18:16:00.004+08:00

Being me, I've considered before.. to let go of the relationship. I haven't been the best of partners when it comes to relationship. I'm always the one thinking of pulling back and letting go.

How I made it to 1 month I always wonder. Like how many of my relationships have failed before it hit the one month stablity? The fact he has been patient with me throughout this 1 month makes me glad to know that he's lying beside me on my bed, snoring softly in a part of his dreamland i'd never be able to share. It's knowing my dad's cooking chicken rice for him in my kitchen right now and having him beside me while we view the house my family intends to buy, i feel elated.

Thank you jam. And happy one month. Many more to come, yes? (Many more of you annoying me.. irritating!)

silence.

2008-07-19T22:12:00.002+08:00

I noticed something whilst we were having McD's for dinner just now;

We tend to keep quiet during meals every other time we eat together.

Of course those who have spent time with Jam and I would know that we talk a lot on normal occasions. Most of the time with Jam teasing me and making jokes. Of the usual we always get comments like, "Haiyoh both of you are like husband and wife. Soon you'll be buying pampers at the supermarket." and me teasing his wrong vocabulary usage.

I mentioned it this evening during dinner. With other people, no doubt we talk non-stop but between the both of us.. during our meals, therein lies silence between both of us.

It was the same when we woke up this morning and had our breakfast/lunch together. There was silence while I munched on my Nasi Lemak and him with his Xiao Wan Fan. But when we're on the bed or on the train or in long bus rides, there's always so much to talk about. But during meals together, it's not that we don't talk at all... it's just that most of the time we'll be busy finishing our meal, rather than talking about anything interesting.

But the funny thing is.. it's not an awkward silence between the both of us. It's a comfortable silence. It's knowing the other partner is eating and to interrupt the munching of the food and tell a joke is just not appropriate.

That's what I find comfort in; the idea of how the silence is not awkward and we are happy in each other's company - with or without the silence.

I love you, Jam.

Through the years.

2008-07-17T11:28:00.002+08:00

Those were the days my friend, we thought they'd never end.

This is me with spike/short hair.

Wicked Witch of the West (Wizard of Oz performance)

These were my xiao lian days. AHAHHAA.

This is me with curly hair.

Lo and behold,

THIS IS MELISSA. AHAHAHAHHAHA. AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA.

Trying to find my roots

2008-07-15T19:08:00.004+08:00

In an attempt to act like a Xiao Lian, I annoyed the hell out of Jam.

It started with us looking at this couple at Yishun food court.

Background info: The girl was terribly clingy to the boyfriend and was scared of the boyfriend (note: she looks rather pleasant and the guy had a god-help-me kind of face) I wonder why.. girls would stoop that low for a guy who has nothing for them? Following my previous entry, most girls are better off with another guy. Most of them are better looking, have better qualifications, more pay yet they're stuck with some GOD-HELP-ME guys. AND they'd do anything for them. ohmy.

Annnywaaay,

Jam asked, "Why aren't you like that? Clingy and all.."
I replied, "You want me to be? I can. You die ah. I will message you 8 times through the night - every message per hour. Even before I go to the toilet, I will report to you. When I go into the train, I will SMS you till you reach your workplace."

So the moment we parted ways at Yishun MRT, I was busy fiddling with my HP trying to hook the earphones on. And a message came,
Jam: Yyy baby Yyyy, Yyy you never say you love me?

I was thinking, CB.. this guy faster than me.
So I replied, "Sorry sorry dear! I love you! Forever and ever! 1314, 3344, ok! Later you free remember to message me ok!Take care of yourself ya! Don't flirt hor. Later I angry.. I wait for you to come home then sleep ok??"

Jam's reply was "WAHAHAHAHA. Ohmy sia. hahahahaha. You go in the train alr?" (he's still oblivious to what's going to come next)

So I said "HAHAHA. You like right! haven't lei dar :( sad horxz. I haven go in train. Still waiting woORx. DaMn sLow lor.. kNs ye.. wO hen siAn le."

Jam (trying to ignore me) replied "hahaha, i really wonder how our kids look like" (because we had a previous conversation over dinner about how my friend told me yesterday that we'll make beautiful kids.)

I replied, "WhaT. Ya Lor. hOpe LooK liKE yOU. cOS u ShuAi wAt! bUt lAo gong.. whEn wE gEtting MAarried aH?" (LAO GONG, okay!)

Jam (still trying to ignore me) replied, "When I get an apartment and own a car, I will marry you. Before 27." (He really thought I meant that question!)

I had to reply, "YaY! I can't wait to marrY yOu lAo gONg! tHEn eVery NiGHt cAN sLEeP TOgEther!!" (ohmy! like we can't do that!!! Already I'm spending half the nights with him)

So he ignored me all the way..

And I had to send a message, "Lao gOnG, uU gorTx fLirT wiTh gIRl oN tRaiN? dONt Kay. lATer I AngRY. My HearT wiLL bE bROken :( TheN I wILL cUT mySelf." (Isn't that what all the xiaolians do? cut themselves? and think that their boyfriends will flirt with girls on the train - like it's even possible *rolls eye*)

Jam ignored me... and called me straight away.

Jam "Eh.. Can go back to normal? I cannot tahan. My hair all stand already."
I said, "Wa lau. I will suffocate you for the next two weeks and annoy the hell out of you by being just what you want me to be. You die already."
Jam "Please leh. Anyway, train come already. Okay bye bye bye bye."
I said, "What bye bye bye! You talk to me until I reach home. I don't care."
....
Jam "I'm reaching my workplace already. Ok I got to go."
I said, "No okay! I don't want to hang up."
Jam "Ok, I love you bye!"
I said "What! Love me bye! Never kiss me first?"
Jam "Ok Ok. Go back to normal can?"
I said, "Noo. I will suffocate you for the next two weeks."
Jam "I will run away and find another girl!"
I said "Then I will cut myself with a pen knife and commit suicide!"
Jam "I really need to go and work already.."

So we hung up.. and I sent him a message

"I hearts euu dear! Forever and ever! Can't wait to make babies with you. Love euuu lao gong! Muacks. 8 letters, 3 words, 1 meaning. I love euuu!!"

And he patronized me..
"Haha I work already love you bye."

**
I can be really annoying at times. What the hell is 8 letters 3 words 1 meaning? I got that from my little sister when I reached home. AHAHAHAHAHHAA.

The fall of women

2008-07-15T13:32:00.005+08:00

You know how they they always say, "Men use their minds to think and women use their heart to think." That is possibly the only reason why men stand to gain in every relationship and women stand to lose everything in a relationship.

I don't understand why women are so emotionally involved in a relationship so much so that they always end up having no self-worth. We don't love ourselves enough that sometimes we allow a man to take control of us. The metaphor used in most relationship is "We are so blinded in love," but if you think deeper, it is rather literal. Most women always end up blinded in love with absolutely no regards that there is a stone wall in front of them or a banana skin waiting for them to step on it and slip and fall. We tend to think that as long as we hold on (note: cling on) to the man who proclaims they love us, we would eventually end up the stronger one.

However, this is not true. Women tend to delude themselves and believe that a man would hold their hand through this stone wall and banana skin and be their eyes wherever they walk. Sometimes, to the extent of being there to hold them up when they fall. They have this delusion that men would carry them (note: piggy back) them and take the fall for them. But let me ask all of you women, how many of the men out there would really do that for you?

Most of them would let you walk past it - trip, fall and pick yourself up ALL BY YOURSELF. Some of those man don't even bother about how you just tripped and fell in front of them.

How can we - women of the 21st century - allow a man to dictate how we rule our lives? How can we turn a blind eye everytime a man cheats on us? Why do we allow such absurd behavior from a man? Is it because we always believe that our partner is our pillar of strength - that if we don't have them, we would eventually just break down and go berserk? Ride on them boys, take all those pills, commit those suicide that we always speak about.

What kind of a silly excuse is that? We should love ourselves more. In a relationship, there should be a balance - that man and woman should be equal in status. There shouldn't be a lesser of a partner, or more of one. True, we must give and take in certain circumstance but how can we believe every single thing our partner say? Surely we should draw a fine line in terms of trust.

If a man cheats on his wife, he runs away scot-free. But if a woman cheats on her husband, she is labelled slut. What kind of a sick status it that? Most women, if not all, always agree on how if your man ever cheats on you, as long as you don't find out, it's perfectly fine. But once we do, in Candice's words, "I'd cut your balls" and believe me, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

"Just let it pass and hope the relationship will go back to normal. " Is that the solution to a man who chooses to rub off his charm to another woman? How can we allow that broken trust (and broken heart) to heal by itself when there is no clear indication the solution to the problem. It is true, women allow for such volcanoes to remain dormant until one day when it explodes. Why?

I'll tell you why. It is because women value the relationship - and they're afraid to lose their man. They're so afraid that they're willing to throw away whatever self-worth they have in order to keep the relationship going. That "it's fine, it's okay, I'm sure he had his reasons" kind of self assuring lines run through their head every single day.. until one day when it happens again or when the man leaves them for good.. they'd realize what thin line the man was threading on. In a relationship, we should never compare because let's face it, the grass is really greener on the other side. We should always remain proud of what we have and be contented with whom we choose to be with. That way we'll never resort to cheating nor even have that slightest thought of flirting with someone else (just to test whether we still have the charm).

I wonder, if it comes to the crunch and that it happens to me, would I be as strong as I depict myself to be? Or would I sink into my chair and say .. it's fine it's ok, let's hope our relationship will go back to normal. I wonder. Mmmhmph. :S

Wedding daze

2008-07-13T10:27:00.002+08:00

"Well, you must have loved him once."
"Honey, I was 18. And he was the hottest damn thing in town. And he was a sex panther."
"Sounds like love to me."
"There's a difference between love and mindless animalistic lust."
"Then how about Stewart?"
"What I have with Stewart is what I want with you and Dave. Stable, Mature relationship."
****** Wedding daze, the movie

Do we always settle for the kind of love that is stable and mature? Or are some people who is still in the chase searching for a mindless animalistic lust? The kind that would blow you away any day; The kind with which you have talks of eloping into the southern seas without anybody knowing.

What, then is the kind of relationship you're looking for dear readers?
And what, then is the kind of relationship I'm currently in?

Just checking in.

2008-07-12T19:54:00.003+08:00

It went well! And he had dinner with my dad/mum as well.

Boy, do I feel 19 all over again. The jitters and excitement of introducing my boyfriend to the family.. heheheheh!

I'm starting to fall in love like a little 19 year old....all over again. OHMY! I'm a little too old for this, no? (:
Going to Malaysia with his family tomorrow - I tell you. I'm like filled with things to do. HEHEHE.

Dangerous

2008-07-12T12:33:00.003+08:00

Great song. Akon always know how to hit it right, no?

After awhile, this song will just get annoying. But for now, enjoy it while it lasts.

Meet-the-mum

2008-07-12T10:57:00.001+08:00

I'm going for a movie with Jam and my mummy. I'm ecstatic it's happening but I'm wondering how it's going to be like.

I can't wait, I can't wait, I can't wait.

Jam.

2008-07-11T11:09:00.002+08:00

And in this crazy life, and through these crazy time;
It's you, it's you.
You make me sing.
You're every line, you're every word.
You're everything.

and it would be wet all over.

2008-07-09T23:25:00.002+08:00

of splatting and squeezing, a combination of the finest. of pushing and shoving and moving your body, the sound of gnashing of the teeth are nothing but music to the ears. the pumping of the heart and the heavy breathing.

after a fight, it always feels the best. because for once, we care about pleasing each other.

a fight.

2008-07-08T20:04:00.001+08:00

our first.

but when you've reached the point of small problems escalating to bigger ones, sometimes even you and i have nothing left to say.

except, "just go."

Don't they look alike?

2008-07-07T14:55:00.002+08:00

Look at the girl in Gold, and the girl in purple.

Yea, that's right! They're the same person... Lo and behold, that's candice. Caught in action.

Cheers to our friendship, no?

The romantics call it love.

2008-07-07T00:18:00.005+08:00

For awhile, the pieces just did not fit. My world was in a blurry state with my unhappiness and sorrow. And then without warning, I fell right in love and he completed the missing pieces on my puzzle. I have honestly never been this happy. I am elated - way beyond words. and I realized that I have reached the highest point of blissfulness.

I am - happy being with him. Fullstop. I don't even need to say more. He has been the joy of my life & I am thankful for everything he has done for me. I sat in front of my computer and I stare blankly at the screen as I find myself lost for words when I tried to describe how happy I was at JB today to Melissa. It wasn't just being with him that mattered. It was how he held my hand and made me laugh. It was the way he tied his hair and shook his head and made us all laugh.

The way he'd take food for me and put it on my plate without my asking- that even Ah Bong had to say, "Aiyo. You don't have to worry about taking - you just worry about eating." The way he read my face as though he knew me very well - "You feel like throwing up ah?" and I am just amazed how he even knew without my saying.

The way I'd say "Jam I want tissue," and he'd dig into his pockets to take for me. The way he'd hand me the sugar cane drink because he knew I'd be thirsty - without my asking. The way he looks at me assures me that he'd do anything for me.

I love the way he sleeps and the way he'd never complain everytime I wake him up at 10am just because I can't sleep anymore. I love how he is sensitive in more ways than one - the kind where you'd never expect your boyfriend to chase you when you get angry, to hold you when you're upset. He's that kind of boyfriend. The one you can bring home to your family and the one you can call your own. The one of which would proudly say "I'm with my girlfriend -" rather than tell his friends, "Oh, I'm just with this girl la.."

The way he'll kiss me before he leaves the house to go to work. The way he'll come back home while I sleep on his bed, and he'll wake me up to give me a kiss. I'll turn my back around and say "dear - massage my shoulder here," and regardless of how tired he is, he'd do it anyway. Even when he just came home at 4am, from a tiring night at work.

I am overwhelmed with joy, with love in my heart. Jam's the kind of boyfriend that you'll never expect him to call you princess - but his actions show that you're really his princess in his heart.

I love you Jam, I do. I've never been this happy in my life. Not until I met you. Everytime I look at you, I only want to love you more each day.

a quick update

2008-07-06T13:14:00.002+08:00

Just to check in. I'm alive - and partying too much.

Hangovers both morning and I'm headed to JB now with the boyfriend and Bonster.

And no, I havent forsaken this place for the boyfriend (just in case you're wondering)

On nights..

2008-06-30T00:35:00.009+08:00

On nights when we're all attached and bored of clubbing; (before Mel bugs me for the photos, here it is.)

These are the random nice shots we took.

This is when I get bored.

Mel says: Let me introduce you to my best friend, Carolyn

Don't squeeze me. All of you can take a picture with me one at a time. Queue up please. HAHAHAH.

Yar, I was really tired.

Stop waving your short tongue in my face Mel! It's not like it's going to go any longer than that. HAHAHAH.

We are all trying to steal the limelight.

Look ma! No eyebrows!

Cheers to those nights that we drink and dance and get so fuckin' high.

The best friends, ever.

To the ol' days we'll remember when we're old.

For the good times, and the bad.

For me to remember how I was like when I was youthful and wild.

Because nights are lonely without you, and I'm thankful that there were absolutely no guy who caught my eye at MOS.

And because even though there were so many men at MOS last night, all of us couldn't stop comparing our boyfriends to the ugly bengs & mats of Smoove last night..

that I'm thankful my boyfriend is still better looking than them.

To club or not to club

2008-06-29T11:33:00.003+08:00

I have found no motivation to club anymore. The drinking and dancing and the getting highs - it's gotten stale to me. Although I'm having a major hangover now, I'd wish I didn't club last night. My body is aching, my legs are aching and all I can remember is drinking a lot last night.

I am really growing old.
And there are really a lot of people reading my blog.

Without a trace

2008-06-28T19:06:00.002+08:00

I've found something else to distract me since I've completed all episodes of Season 1 - 3 of Prison Break and Season 1 - 3 of Criminal Minds. And I've completed all episodes of Season 1 - 6 for Sex & the City. And Season 1's Gossip Girl. Not to mention, a year back I finished Season 1 - 11's South Park and am on Season 12. AHAHAHA.

Now I've been looking for this TV series for a long time now. It's a cross between Criminal minds, except it's about missing people that go 'missing' without a trace. And they usually find them before the 48th hour.

Without a trace is great. I just started and it's something that really intrigues me.

On a lighter note, if I don't club tonight - I would have had officially not gone to club since last last Wednesday. Wow. I've met a guy who can really sit me at home and not feel the urge to club. (and he's working - you know.)

Just because I can.

2008-06-26T00:22:00.005+08:00

Look at him. *rolls my eye* And the worst part of it all is, he still can tell me "Put on your blog leh!!" This guy is not shy you know -.-" He keeps insisting "Handsome siahhh." and he made me put it as my wallpaper on my phone as well.

Now everytime I look up to see my handphone, I get a shock of my life. See, this is what happens when comfort steps in. You burp in each other's face and take ridiculous photo and still think you look absolutely good in it.

But he does look good, doesn't he? Minus the vegetable..of course.

Time stops.

2008-06-25T16:15:00.007+08:00

The thing about starting a new relationship is that time stops for you. Unknowingly, time flies and a day is gone with a blink of an eye. The world is still moving on, day by day, yet for you, life stops there and then. You fall madly in love and do everything you never thought you'd do. You begin to share a life with someone new. Through those time, we subconciously know that time is going by yet we don't feel it.

Is this how falling in love is like? The world around you moves on but your life takes a standstill for the while. You stare into space with each other and just talk about anything and everything in the world. Your past, his past, your future, his future, our future? Was this how I envisioned myself when I begin to let somebody in my life?

You love his sillines, you love him sleeping, you love him annoying you. How long have I not felt this way? The same way where I can lie in bed the whole day and do absolutely nothing but think about him making me happy. I told a friend of mine when he asked me "So what do you like about him?"

My immediate answer was, "He makes me happy." To that, Of course the cynics will say, "Is that all?"

To which I said "Isn't that enough?"

True happiness.

2008-06-23T22:10:00.005+08:00

In order to attain true happiness, we have to learn to let go of our past. One can have a colorful past but when we are sure of what we want in life, we have to let go of everything else that was holding us back previously. Perhaps we've seen the world - all kinds of it. The big bad wolves, the nice guys, the sheep in wolf's clothing, the chickens, the ducks.. We might have seen it all but if we're never going to let go of what was in the past, we will never learn to move on.

That's the sad thing about life.. once we have decided that we will close all doors and concentrate on just one, many other doors open up and you're stuck at the beginning again.

Sometimes - the best advice you can give anybody is to be contented with what we have.

**
I had dinner with baby's family at Seoul Garden. It was his dad's birthday. Oklikenice. Hahahaa!

He still irritatingly cannot take a proper photo -.-"

This is my favourite photo.

i'm falling even more in love with you.

2008-06-23T00:19:00.001+08:00

I had to put his nicer photos because he complained. :(

Anyway, watch out for Hazel's birthday pictures next post!

Another sunny day.

2008-06-22T23:48:00.002+08:00

Someday, I will compile a photo album of all his stupid face. He refuses to take a proper photo with me. :| I'm angry only.

I haven't had such a feeling in a long long long time. The one of which I can stay at my boyfriend's house and just do nothing for the whole day. Weird much, how relationship starts. Yesterday when I met ahbong, she told me "Hello best friend. I'm glad you are with James. I can see that you are feeling very xin fu."

I think so too, and I'm happy for myself as well. I stayed at his place and taught his sister Maths/English and aided his poor little finger when he cut himself.

Like fun only. I'm such a good girlfriend. Like those kind of girlfriends you want to bring home to your family.

HEHEHEHEHE. SHAMELESS.

It's official.

2008-06-21T10:45:00.002+08:00

20th June 2008

I never expected myself to have this day- to fall madly in love yet be not afraid that I'd get hurt. In fact, I surprised myself when I found out I didn't run at the first sight of love. I stood here, fell right in love and now I guess this is official. I am a part of someone else.

hanging by a moment.

2008-06-20T08:09:00.003+08:00

You know how kids like to thread water even though they know the dangers of the deep dark sea? The one of which we all shun away from because as adults, we've felt the feeling of losing control of what lies beneath our legs; the feeling of panicking and flapping our hands hoping that we'll stay afloat. And we either make it or we break it, either we survive the feeling of being trapped in water, or we'll just let go of the world and sink deep down... hoping one day somebody will find us.

Kids- they all do it for the sake of showing off. They do it just because they can, and just because they have never felt the feeling of losing control. They just wanted to test their limits. And that is exactly what I did last night.

I thread water just for the sake of. And even though I knew the dangers of what I was trying to do, I did it anyway. But I ended up not dead, nor sunk below.. I ended up clearer than before. I found out that..

I'm falling even more in love with you. I'm letting go of all I've held onto. I'm standing here until you make me move. I'm hanging by a moment here with you.

Hazel's bday

2008-06-19T21:51:00.004+08:00

I guess we'll all say we had a smashing time, for me at least.

I sat down and ordered 4 jugs and 10 tequila shots. Then came another 5 jugs and another tray of 10 shots. Then 4 volcanoes.. and one by one, we said.. Goodbye Hazel.

Put Angela & Melissa together and Hazel still wins the title of "Worst Drunk ever" hands down. At 4pm the very next day (her actual birthday; today), she still feels like throwing up in the taxi. OHMY! She's practically vomiting whatever she's eaten for the last one year.

You should hear the sound - I want to throw up just listening to her throw up. OHMY.

She threw up at the dancefloor of Dbl O. She actually topped Angela & Melissa in that. Melissa still knows how to run to the toilet to throw up. Angela as well, although she threw up near the bar at dbl O. But Hazel? ON THE DANCEFLOOR ok!

Mr Nan Ren was throwing up outside dbl O and at his void deck as well. OHMY. All the drunkards! Damn irritating. Next time I will line Hazel, Angela, Melissa and Mr Nan Ren in one straight line and throw up for them to see. -.-

At least HAZEL was high enough but not drunk yet to eat her cake and take disgusting photos of herself at 12 midnight!

Happy birthday Hazel.

**

I had a fun time. Today as well.
Perhaps it's you.

You took my breath away.

Bong and my display picture.

2008-06-18T18:22:00.000+08:00

HELLO. This is yet another filler post.

Headed to Dbl O tonight. It's hazel's bday tomorrow, so we're going to party like a rockstar! Heheheh!

Conversations with dear ol' mom.

2008-06-15T12:58:00.003+08:00

Over MSN, We have funny conversations.

Mom & Neoprints
Mom: Guess what I did yesterday - I went to the photo shop and took photos with my staff and I. It was really childish but entertaining. And it was cheap - like one dollar.
Me: Neoprints?
Mom: Yea..
Me: OHMY. My mom + neoprints: Not a very good mental image.
Mom: Hey, we will always have that child in us...and you have to live life...if I think I am old - then I will be old fashioned and naggy - remember you have a super cool mum!!!

My lil sis & Mom
Me: We had a feast the other day when I took Mag (note: my sister) to the movies. Popcorn + Hotdog + Cup Corn + Chocolate chip milkshake + Candy Mix. HEHEHEHE.
Mom: aiyah all those extra kilos you're piling on her
Me: SHE DOESN'T GET MUCH OF THEM AT HOME!
Me: LET A CHILD BE A CHILD!

Weight and mom
Mom: Guess what - I am back to my weight 20 years ago! Hahahah!
Me: And how much is that?
Mom: ____ used to be ___ (protected for my mom's identity)
Me: WOW THAT'S WOOHOO.
Mom: My jeans size is down to ___ !! eat your heart out!!!
Me: OHMY, mommm.... Youre scaring me.
Mom: Why?
Me: All the hippy and the acting cool.. It's scaring me - You're supposed to be old and naggy. You're __ (age)!!

Mom being shameless, as usual
Mom: At least I know what you are experiencing at your age - I basically hang out with the 20 somethings and 30 somethings and they have a hellavu respect for me
Me: I bet they always tell you how fortunate your kids are to have a super cool mom.
Mom: You bet
Me: SHAMELESS!!

Ageing

2008-06-15T04:57:00.002+08:00

I am growing old :(

My face is starting to change and it's drying up. The wrinkles are forming at the side of my eyes and I am very upset with myself. I scrubbed my face this morning and realized I have no mask. So I cleansed - scrubbed - tone - moisture. Now my face is ridiculously hideous.

All the blackheads and the pimples from god-knows-where have started forming up together. It's as though a massive lump of blackheads are springing out to attack me. I refused to go out today because I don't want to put make-up. My face needs to "breathe" because it is always under a full set of make-up. GEeee.

Women start to age very young and if we don't take care of our skin, ohmy! Next time can say goodbye to clean & clear face :( I don't want to be ugly on my wedding day! EEeeEK.

Ok, this is a filler post and it is getting really lame.

I'VE FALLEN IN LOVE!!

2008-06-14T19:56:00.004+08:00

Robin Thicke is THE SEX!!!

and on a different note, You don't mess with the zohan IZ NICE. It's like Borat rendition but Adam Sandler acting in it.

Isn't he hot?

Okay, I'm pretty sad. I have been reduced to looking at celebrity hunks.. I need to go out!

breakfast.

2008-06-14T19:17:00.000+08:00

Shit.

I always have breakfast with Hazel at work. Just one day!! One day!! I stay at home, and don't eat anything at all, and my stomach is having major gastric now :(

This is MAJOR gastric. I practically slept in the whole day. Sleep, wake up, read, sleep somemore, wake up, read. I did not have my breakfast, and now God-help-me, it's so bloody painful!

ohmy.

2008-06-14T10:22:00.002+08:00

The last post left me looking really depressed, as though I'm still keeping myself behind closed doors. But truth be told, I'm really not and you people don't have to worry. I know my blog thrives on my depressing moments and it is these entries that spark a sudden increase in blog viewership.. but I'd rather be happy and have lesser people reading than be depressed and have sympathetic responses.

Don't worry mates. I'm sure you forgot to read the part that says "I'm ready to move on." :)

And Candice is right. In her tag, she said "Moving on does not mean that the moment a guy says he likes you, you run." because that is what I've been doing. The moment someone likes me (whether I am interested in them or not), I practically run for my life.

A funny conversation I had this morning:
Me: hello bongbong!
Ahbong: hello!
Me: I miss you :P
Ahbong: I don't work well with emotions too..
Ahbong: HAHAHAHAHAHA.
Me: WAHAHAHAH.
Me: FUCK YOU UNDERSTAND!!!

That's so irritating. Everytime somebody try to hug me or start crying, I'm always at a loss for word. The situation makes me realize that I don't work well with emotions. When I cry, I don't like to have everybody comforting me.. holding me. I'd rather be left alone. Maybe that's why when people give hugs when they haven't seen each other for a long time, I shun from the situation.

I only hug my boyfriend. Hahahaha. And even boyfriend, I don't do well with emotions. Sooooooooooo. She had to go and tease me with the whole "i don't work well emotions" thing. In our quote, Smack ni de lian!

Letters from the heart.

2008-06-11T17:29:00.000+08:00

I picked out a brownish-yellow letter from the shoe-box where I keep all my little secrets from young. All those boys I used to date - the ones who broke my heart and the hearts I broke. I looked through it and while Angela was lying on my bed, I read some letters to her. There was this special one - in a weird folded way - the exact way I fold my letters when I wrote to people. Then it struck me - I taught the owner of this letter how to fold it this way. Despite the many tries we've had folding it, he never seem to get it.

But to my surprise, he went home and wrote me this letter. With heart shapes at the corner of the letter, and a salutation like this - "Dear Princess" - how could I forget who wrote this letter? The handwriting and the words used are all too familiar. I have seen it not once, but many times through the years.

And when I read the letter, I dropped a tear. A sign of my moving on, a sign of my ache of the memories we used to share and my pain of the past. Although I wanted to photocopy it and drop it in his letter box, I decided against it. I guess in life - some things are better left unsaid.

12/05/08 in a notebook I place at work
To whom it may concern:

Moving on is never easy. We can run but we can never hide. I thought that after so long, I would have already moved on. The truth is: I have not and it's not easy being me. Much to my friend's dismay, I have met you twice since and the second time was a huge mistake. It's a torture because I spend those times away from you crying.

I always wonder about the what-ifs in life. What if I was still with you? Would we have been engaged by now? Life has been different without you. I am now ridiculously promiscuous & I might have just cheapen my value after breaking up with you. I'm sure you have too. Sometimes, i don't believe this is the Carolyn that used to be the sweet, innocent pure girl. I guess we all have to grow up one day and I am too tired of wishing things could go back to how it was because even if it does, we can never erase the path we chose to take: our separate paths. How can we be sure that we won't last if we didn't even try? Of course we argue the fact that we've been together for this long and it never worked out. Maybe, just maybe I wished that things would change. We won't live such painful lives - away from each other. But you're gone now. And I wish you all the best.

Regards
Carolyn

And when I looked at the letter I wrote, I realized how much I have moved on. I realized how much I am ready to begin my next chapter in life.

Have you ever loved somebody so much it makes you cry?

Please COMMENT, not tag.

2008-06-10T19:05:00.003+08:00

Leave an ANONYMOUS comment (will be screened) with:

1. One secret.
2. One compliment.
3. One non-compliment.
4. One love note, but it does not have to be for me.
5. Lyrics to a song.
6. How old you are.
7. How long we've been friends.
8. And a hint to who you are. (and if we don't know each other, what a great way to kick off!)

Try it, please. I know all of you are suckers for my tagboard. But instead of tagging for this entry, try commenting for me. :)

Besides, dang well, I have so many people reading my blog from god-knows-where. Friendster, wholivesnearyou, whosgoing, my friend's friend, friend's friend's friend, blog-hoppers, people i like, people i dislike. Gee, I'm getting too much publicity. Hahahahaha!

So try! Hit me because I'll try to guess who you are.

Photos from our trip which I just received.

2008-06-10T11:56:00.003+08:00

Overdue photos from KL/genting

On our way:

This is very demure me. I LIKE!! hahahaahha!

We're sitting under mushrooms.

My forte: annoying Ahbong

But bong.... *pouts*

My best friend's name (read carefully: ABong)

But you're so bad... *pouts*

Bong dancing in the car -.-"

Look, we are Singaporeans. We take photo of ourselves in the shopping centre. OHMY!

Funniest conversation of today

2008-06-08T17:26:00.002+08:00

While catching up in my room, Melissa, Angela and I had some funny conversations.

Talking about how men are untidy and don't clean up after they pee:
Melissa
"Some guys just flick flick flick and keep it in their underwear."

Talking about how drunk Angela was:
Angela
"Last night I was so drunk, I wore the shorts the wrong side. I still can parade around the house."

Talking about not giving the thermometer to Angela just now:
Carolyn
"Put inside mouth one la! You think put on armpit can share one ah. Ya ya ya, I put under my armpits, now you have to put inside your mouth."

Talking about lying down on the bed
Melissa
"MOVE OVER. I want to lie down on the bed."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Lyn, HELP ME!

2008-06-08T11:04:00.004+08:00

If you saw the ugly photos from KL (Back from KL/Genting(photos)), here's three in revenge against Ahbong..

Phuture's toilet was out of order. They could only use one because this girl was throwing up in the toilet.

"Lyn, TISSUE! TISSUE!!!"

She couldn't even leave Phuture. We had to carry her out. That's how drunk she was. She was sleeping on my lap all the way from Phuture to my place. She came out of the cab and threw up on the grasses just under my block.

And here's what I prepared for her.
1. Towel on my floor in case she throw up again (Once bitten twice shy) -check-
2. Plastic bag on her hands -check-
3. Plastic bag on the floor in case she needs more -check-
4. Toilet paper -check-
5. Tissue paper -check-
6. Clothes strewn all over the floor -check-

When she covered herself with blanket, she still shouted "LYN! I'M SHIVERING! I'M SHIVERING" so I got her a jacket. And she kicked my poor soft toys away :(
"SO MANY SOFT TOYS!!!!"

And the funny thing is, I was very tipsy as well. Ohmy!
Cheers to many more nights, Ahbong!

P/s: She's still lying on my bed behind me. AHAAHHAHAH.

Everyone has a story to tell.

2008-06-05T22:56:00.003+08:00

"And if you save this letter to read again, then believe what I am writing for you now. Wherever you are and whenever this is, I love you. I love you now as I write this, and I love you now as you read this. And I am so sorry if I am not able to tell you. I love you deeply, my husband. You are, and always have been, my dream."
Nicholas Sparks - The Notebook

How many times in our life have we been told off, "You are still young. You have years ahead of you. You still haven't seen the world" I never fail to get frustrated whenever somebody tells me that I haven't seen the world. My next question would always be "What defines your world I haven't seen? Is seeing the world just a matter of number difference - age?"

If you tell me it's about the number then I would say that you are just as ignorant as the words you use are. I always look at my conversation partner and tell them "What makes you think I haven't seen the world?" Just because I'm 19, younger, wilder and youthful- does that make me any less mature than someone who is 27 years of age? Just because somebody has experience in a particular area, it does not mean that they have seen the world. A 27 years old woman who has been sheltered her whole life probably has not seen the world either.

I have seen the vicious cycle that life brings us. Been through many things in life, and I can safely say that I have learnt a lot of things through the hard way. As I speak now, I know that I've been through a lot- maybe not as much but I know deep inside, I've seen parts of the world. Right now, I don't want to rush my growing up. But I would like to know what is the world that people always speak of?

The dark, dangerous one- the one that has a trap set for all of us. Is it as frightening as the elders speak of? Or is it just the kind of people/problems/parties/life I'm being put through already?

Like my title suggests, everyone has a story to tell. Some go through hardship, some go through pain, some through happiness and many others unfortunate. But what doesn't kill you will only make you stronger. And I have learnt to walk away from so many hiccups of life. So enlighten me please, what is this world that I have yet to see?

A thing or two about alcohol.

2008-06-05T15:51:00.001+08:00

Kelvin, the intern at SPH, my good ol' friend asked me about alcoholic drinks and I realized that I'm quite good at liquor. I can taste the drink at a club and tell you exactly what liquor it is - like Vodka Lime, Whisky Dry, Vodka Ribena, Chivas Green Tea and so on and so forth. He asked me about Lychee Martini, Cosmopolitan and Long Island Tea. All of which I gave him an indepth opinion on it.

Lychee Martini is sweet and the alcohol shoots right up your nose and down your throat. I won't say it is smooth but Cosmopolitan is. Long Island Tea sends a shock right up your spine everytime you sip it because it's a mixture of 12 alcoholic drink. Well, It's the easiest drink to get people drunk.

Given a choice, my favourite drink would still be Martell Green Tea. Plainly because it is smooth and it is a premium drink. I love the fact that I can drink so much of it and yet, people around me always throw up one after another. Black Label is a tad bit like guiness stout to me. It is rich and thick in taste and it is hard to swallow. I hate it when people challenge my Black Label tolerance. It's too difficult to swallow yet Ah bong, Mel and the rest like to drink it neat neat neat! So irritating!

And one liquor I detest - but don't mind having... is Chivas. It hits me really hard the next morning. I will always wake up with a major hangover and my head would be spinning like nobody's business. I hate it! Chivas always sends a shock right through my head and throws me off my feet sometimes because the hangover is really bad the next morning.

And baileys - what kind of a bloody drink is that? Is that milk or is that alcohol? I'm not a big fan of milk from young; I think I stopped drinking milk since I was 3 or 4 years old. Perhaps that's why I refuse to drink Baileys. I'd rather have no drink than baileys in my hand.

Tequila - I wonder why but I can't seem to drink it anymore. I used to enjoy throwing shots into my mouth or popping them and slurping them quickly. But now- just the smell of it makes me want to throw up right on the spot. I always push someone else to drink the tequila that I buy or some other people buy for me. Because I know...I'm just not that good at tequila anymore. EH AHBONG! Tonight we go Double O la! I want to find back my love for tequila! Hahahahahha! (OH, and I know somebody who can't drink Tequila - CHARMATION!! HHAHAHAHA. One shot and she's floating up to heaven)

(notice I didn't say anything about Vodka? I don't like Vodka...unless it's Grey Goose). Vodka has too many brands and it's a Russian drink. Too hard to swallow.

I think I should up the scale and learn how to taste wine. It's about time I learn the difference between chardonnay, shiraz, moet & chandon.

So now you know - you should never challenge Carolyn to a drinking session. Just last night, we were at Double O. Ahbong and I had one volcano and two waterfall. Obviously, we are lacking of sleep today and I'm having a really bad hangover. After reality hit me this morning, I realized that we are really heavy drinkers. Annie, Ahbong and I. We can drink so much yet still make it to work on time the next morning.

And the worst thing of all? The alcohol from last night haven't even worn off in our body and off we are, wanting to club again at Dbl O tonight. OHMY!

We are not only heavy drinkers; we are trained drinkers. Like how cool is that la! Now you know why I can't date men who can't drink? I get absolutely irritated if my boyfriends can't drink.

1. I have to send them home when they are drunk
2. My friends will offer them drinks and they will reject it.
3. It's not right when a girl drinks for a guy, right? Hahahhaah!

I amaze myself sometimes.

When I stop blogging, I completely just stop blogging and when I feel like returning, I always give myself excuses not to write an entry. My blog has been pretty much stale for the last few days and people have been complaining that I have not touched it since. I know I know; just like you, I check my blog everyday. Hahahahaha! (If you get what I mean)

It's been a week and in this week, I have done so many things that I absolutely cannot put down in just one entry. It would take about 7 entries? Just kidding! I went for a childrens' camp during the weekend and they were absolutely adorable. I could have brought them home and took care of them! I swear to you. I'm so going to be the greatest mom in town!
(especially after all this alcohol talk... hahahahahhaa!)

Invisible.

2008-05-29T17:17:00.003+08:00

I've been putting on a mask for too long. It's the one that has been running away from the first sight of love or possession. In life, when we fear something- we either

1. accept it
2. take flight

And I've chosen to take flight in more situations than one. Many things have been holding me back and like always, my visions are clouded because of past experiences that has bruised me for life. Tucked away in this secret hiding place, my heart is left there to heal by itself. And for once, I'd wish I never put it away.

I've been dating around so much so that I have forgotten how to fall in love. More often than not, all these dating around always end up zilch. Most of them are torn love, and some are just meant to be forgotten. I look around and I wonder why falling in love is such bliss.. until I found out that I too, could just be tripping for somebody.

But..... I choose to use a "But" because in every situation, I'll find myself drawing up a list of Pros and Cons. Hardly any of it is based on the famous saying, "follow your heart." I've solved many relationship problems and given my two cents worth to people around me, yet when it comes to me, I can never solve my own. It's like how a doctor can save many lives' and treat many illnesses, but he can never treat his own.

Everybody ~~tells~~nags at me to let my hair down and fall madly in love yet there is something holding me back. It's not past relationships and it's not the fear of rejection. It's the fear of getting hurt all over again.

The "what-if"s that lingers around me all day can sometimes kill a person right on the spot because there are too many of it. That's the truth about human nature: We know falling in love will hurt.. yet even though we've been hurt so many times, we all know we'll always go back for more.

Contentment

2008-05-27T00:51:00.002+08:00

Is there even such a word? Contentment?

I'm in a state of happiness, for now. Work has been exhausting, not to mention, annoying at times. Perhaps sometimes I can only blame myself for being a small fry in the company- nothing more than just a intern. I am accused of things I didn't do and things I did do. At the end of the day, when we go one big round, it is not my fault but ~~theirs~~.

When we look high and low for something so special, are we only just using our eyes to find? Or sometimes using our sense of touch (not literally); sense of feeling- can we actually find the reason for living. I don't know whether somebody who can make my day with silly jokes that humour me would interest me in the long-run. Or someone who has the capability of having an intellectual conversation with me.

Like they say, in a relationship- only one can be the smart one. Only one can be the submissive one; and likewise the opposing - only one can be domineering.

I've had my fair share of men that I have dated but I always find myself back to this question - What kind of men intrigue me?

This I mean - way beyond looks and dollars. I mean, the kind of guy I find myself attracted to. Is it the man who walks tall and confident and pays for everything I desire? Is it the man who can walk me through romance? Is it the kind of guy with whom I can bring out as a prized possession because everybody would look at him and swoon? Or is it simply someone who has a little of each, and most importantly- is willing to be there for me when I'm upset.

I've been a good girlfriend- in fact, I can be one when I choose to. But why is it that everytime I learn to fall, I always think of preventive measures first?

Am I afraid of falling in love?

Sayings that ring true

2008-05-24T23:22:00.004+08:00

"The higher you climb, the harder you fall.
What goes around comes around.
The one person that will hurt you the most is the one person that is closest to you."

What is with these quotes that hang on people's head like a massive thorn in the bush?

I have officially declared myself afraid of changes. Afraid of taking a new step on the journey of life, afraid of moving on, afraid of taking back, afraid of fighting on. It is with these bad experience I encounter that make me take a step back and fear the unknown.

But is it really possible to be afraid of the unknown?

Little kids want to try roller-coasters, para-sailing, scuba diving and whatnots. You name it they got it. But why do adults shy away from them? They give the excuse that they're too old for it or that their heart might not be able to take it, but truly, the real reason is because they've been burnt one too many times. This is the exact analogy to use when it comes to living in the real world. We are not afraid of the unknown until it happens, and when it does, forever we will be living in the fear of the known and the unknown in due time.

I used to be a daredevil and taking roller-coasters and all the 360degree revolution thriller rides were part and parcel of my growing up. But after the incident at Genting in which I took the Spaceshot on my own, I have this fear of taking the lift or crossing the overhead bridge. I have this subconscious being telling me to stay away from all these thrill rides that I cannot have control over.

And one more question: Do we all grow up knowing that as we get closer to somebody, we tend to have expectations of them?

Is it inevitable in us human nature that as soon as they become our boyfriends/best friends, we tend to end up in this comfort zone where we expect that they'll understand why we do such things. In fact, I think comfort zone is a really dangerous thing.

When we get close, we let loose, and when we let loose.. there'd bound to be disagreements making this a lose-lose situation in all case. 'Cos at the end of the day, what matters the most to us will eventually be the only thing that is the fastest to slip away.

Crazy party animals.

2008-05-23T21:14:00.008+08:00

These are the 4 crazy party animals in action.

Flaming Lambo at our second stop. Killer drink! (It's not even flaming lambo. This is waterfall lor!!)

Check out this cool photo of unglam candice + unglam Ahbong + me with a drink!

Eeeurgh! I don't want to drink!

I love you Carolyn!!! then I say: I don't do well with emotions. Hahhahhaa!

Hello I drunk already!

TITIES FEST!

Hello awkward position!!

You want a piece of me? Threesome with married couple. Hello like fun!

Tongue fest!! :)

This is my best friend. Red colour as usual. Why she didn't appear in all the tities fest photo? Ask her. She was drunk and sitting down. HAHAHAH.

THIS IS MY FAVOURITE PHOTO!! (although clem a bit cacat)

Hi we are the kawaii boys!

This is the HALF NAKED man you saw in my previous post... Husband drunk alr!!

THIS GUY LIKE NICE! Drive us all the way up and made us wear seatbelt at the back seat because he was too fast!

Clemence eating candice...literally! (no pun intended)

Me and my brother's girlfriend. yumyum.

Terence and me..

This photo like a anyhow!!!

**
As though we didn't party enough.. This is at MOS on Wednesday night.. Drunk again.

This is Dr Kyle & me!!

Back from KL/Genting` (photos)

2008-05-19T23:40:00.006+08:00

I'm finally back from a 4-days (last minute decision) trip to KL/Genting. A pity we couldn't get into Zouk because they changed the age limit to 21 just last year. But we managed to head to Asian Heritage Row and clubbed at this place called "Bar Club". I swear to you- the night scene at KL is really good. The music was fucking awesome! All the latest songs mixed with the usual party starter music and the rest of the usual club mix. (R&B)

What's more? I had the best company with me. Thank you for being there AHBong, Hazel, HUSBAND(hazel's), Clem, Candice, Terence & Derek. Lots of love.

And partying was the sex. I have never gotten this drunk in my life besides Dbl O(ice cube with annie) and Birthday. But this was even better! All the rest I managed to make my way back knowing what happened. KL? I don't even remember these photos being taken... hahahahahahahahhaha!

Let me show you how drunk I got. (These little details are filled in by Ahbong)

This is me shouting "Ahbong! LIKE FUN! AHBONG!!!"

I was trying to leopard crawl to AhBong while she was standing there laughing.

This is me saying "FUCK YOU UNDERSTAND..." because I didn't want Ahbong to take photos of me. (She was just standing there laughing!!! OHMY!)

I managed to leopard crawl my way out to the corridor of our room and Ahbong was still laughing (extremely loudly) and taking photos of me. So I said "OHMY!!!!" and covered my face.

AhBONG then tried to chase me back in the room. This is when I was doing pumping at the door. (detailed filled in by ahbong)

And this was a guy I picked up from the club.... ya right!!! This is Hazel's HUSBAND mynameISNIN. However, this photo looks rather scandalous and should be put in the tabloid. Like wthell was Hazel's husband doing with me half naked in the room? Like fun!

And I woke up with no jeans. I screamed at Ahbong "YOU RAPE ME IS IT! Why am I only in panties!?" Then she told me in my drunken state, Ahbong ran outside and when she came back, she saw my jeans thrown on the floor.

And someone took off Hazel's clothes for her! Hahaha! Like fun.

Hazel - Vomited. Drunk.
Candice - Vomited. Drunk.
Clemence - Sick.
Ahbong - Vomited. Tipsy & High/not drunk.
mynameISNIN - Tipsy & high/not drunk.
Terence - Tipsy & high/not drunk.
Derek - Tipsy & high/not drunk.

Me? I didn't vomit but...
**

Forgive me, I was drunk.

p/s: More photos next post!

Genting/KL/ Over you

2008-05-16T18:48:00.006+08:00

What does these four girls do when they're bored of clubbing in Singapore?

We head to KL to party! (: Bong and I are headed to Genting tonight to party first, and then to KL tomorrow to meet up with Candice and Hazel and party somemore at KL!

I know. Bong and I are crazy party animals. We're thinking of heading to Ko Samui for their full moon party pretty soon. The next full moon party is on this coming Tuesday, 20th May 2008. But I doubt it'll be anytime soon. We've got a Hong Kong trip to go to during October! WOW. LIKE FUN :D

Bong and I are leaving in half hours time! So here's goodbye to you people!

Here's a song that has been on loop for the last half an hour on my computer.

Daughtry - Over you
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath
I fell too far, was in way too deep
Guess I let you get the best of meeee

[Chorus]
Well I never saw it coming
I should have started running
A long, long time agooo!
And I never thought I’d doubt you
I’m better off without you
More than you, more than you know
I’m slowly getting closure
I guess it’s really over
I’m finally gettin’ better
Now I’m picking up the pieces
From spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together
‘Cause the day I thought I’d never get through
I got over you!!!

You took a hammer to these walls
Dragged the memories down the hall
Packed your bags and walked away
There was nothing I could say,
And when you slammed the front door shut
A lot of other’s opened up
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for meee

[Chorus]
Well I never saw it coming
I should have started running
A long, long time agooo!
And I never thought I’d doubt you
I’m better off without you
More than you, more than you know
I’m slowly getting closure
I guess it’s really over
I’m finally gettin’ better
Now I’m picking up the pieces
From spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together
‘Cause the day I thought I’d never get through
I got over you!!!

**

I know it's going to hurt because the last time I was up at Genting, it was filled with memories. Last two times really. But I think going away for these 3 days would really clear my mind. Not to mention, make sure that I am fully re-charged by the time I head back to Singapore. I'm enjoying life like I should have a long long time ago.

Congrats Melissa.
Thanks for being a friend, Ahbong.

It's a girlie affair

2008-05-14T21:02:00.002+08:00

I'm speaking to Ah Hao & Kyle on a MSN 3-way conversation. And here is what we have discovered (not that we didn't know earlier on..)

Hao: No transport back leh, waiting for my dad to come back.
Hao: If not no car.
Kyle: What
Kyle: You mean you waiting for car or what.
ME: zomgwtfbbq! ohmy!
Kyle: What?
ME: You see la. That's the difference between guys and girls.
ME: Guys have to worry about transport there, entry, drinks and transport back.
Kyle: And then girls?
Me: Girls just have to wait for guys to pick them up, buy drinks for them and send them home.
Kyle: Ya. You girls free entry also what.
Kyle: Well, it's a girlie affair..

"It's a girlie affair" is the theme of St James powerhouse tonight which we would be heading to.

At least, I would be heading to.

One of those days.

2008-05-11T13:46:00.005+08:00

*Once upon a time it never happened*
I hugged him and cried on his shoulders.
It was a melodramatic situation.
I told him exactly how I felt, how strong it felt.
That I should not have let him let me go.
I've seen it happening,
I've watched him grow.
That through these years, the only one that's been truly hurting
is me.
Not them.
I did it just because I didn't want to regret my life away.
I thought long and hard and I decided to do it anyway.

Now all I need to do is walk away again.

Once upon a time, I wish this was true.

God must have spent a little more time on you.
其实还爱你
Actually (I) Still Love You

词曲: 阿沁

i hate the wind from winter
我讨厌冬天的风
wo tao yan dong tian de feng

so cold that it pricks
冷的那么刺痛
leng de na me ci tong

only you can ease all the loneliness
只有你能够抚平所有的寂寞
zhi you ni neng gou fu ping suo you de ji mo

yesterday the kite was left at a corner
昨天的风筝在角落
zuo tian de feng zheng zai jiao luo

someone threw it that the road
被谁丢到了路口
bei shui diu dao le lu kou

i seriously dont want you to find a reason to leave
我很不想让你找到离开的理由
wo hen bu xiang rang ni zhao dao li kai de li you

every night, when (i) close my eyes
每一夜闭上眼睛
mei yi ye bi shang yan jing

i saw nightmare
我看到了噩梦
wo kan dao le er mong

you smile, but the person beside ain't me
你微笑但是旁边的人不是我
ni wei xiao, dan shi pang bian de ren bu shi wo

the sky opened a scar
天空切开一道裂缝
tian kong qie kai yi dao lie feng

it cuts directly in my heart
直接割到我心中
zhi jie ge dao wo xin zhong

(i) don't wanna pretend to be weak
不想装做脆弱
bu xiang zhuang zuo cui ruo

& also dont wanna love so cowardly
也不想爱的懦弱
ye bu xiang ai denuo ruo

actually i love you very much
其实我非常爱你
qi shi wo fei chang ai ni

i don't wanna lose you
不想失去你
bu xiang shi qu ni

don't tell me i do not have the right
难道我没有权利
nan dao wo mei you quan li

to say i don't agree
说我不愿意
shuo wo bu yuan yi

you gave him the kiss, even though it's only "leftover warmth"
你给了他的吻虽然只有余温
ni gei le ta de wen, sui ran zhi you yu wen

do you know, how much i want to hold on to your heart?
可知道我多渴望抓住你的心
ni ke zhi dao wo duo ke wang zhua zhu ni de xin

i know he loves you too
我知道他很爱你
wo zhi dao ta hen ai ni

you're afraid to see him hurt
你怕他伤心
ni pa ta shang xin

everyday, i pretend to be happy, afraid that you'll leave
我每天假装开心害怕你离去
wo mei tian jia zhuang kai xin, hai pa ni li qu

can (i) be stubborn, begging you not to go?
可不可以任性求求你不要去
ke bu e yi ren xing, qiu qiu ni bu yao qu

the hidden sentence in my heart
藏在我心里最后一句
cang zai wo xin li zui hou yi ju

actually (i) still love you
其实还爱你
qi shi hai ai ni

can (i) be stubborn, begging you not to go?
可不可以任性求求你不要去
ke bu e yi ren xing, qiu qiu ni bu yao qu

the hidden sentence in my heart
藏在我心里最后一句
cang zai wo xin li zui hou yi ju

actually (i) still love you
其实还爱你
qi shi hai ai ni

Hello Stranger

2008-05-09T19:21:00.002+08:00

Hello Stranger
I call you a stranger
because even though we spent a night together
You have been etched on my mind since forever.
I couldn't do a thing this morning
All I could think of was you smiling.

I haven't felt this way,
And I know I don't have a chance to say
Just how much it was a pleasure.
To be looked upon like a treasure.

I don't even know the word to your last name,
Believing in time, that words are all the same.
I'd wish I was a dancer,
Perhaps that way you might have asked for my number.
But under that situation,
There was no way you could question.

So I would like to know stranger,
Since you were the one I met,
Would I be the one you'd never forget?

**
This reminds me of Kumar's Square Root of 3. Except mine's a tad bit disoriented and weird.

Is it possible to fall in love with a guy that never asked for your number?

Camwhore (a lot of pictures)

2008-05-05T22:41:00.006+08:00

Oh my, let me explain to you the whole situation. I just felt like exploring the ahlian side of me this morning. You can ask Hazel and she can vouch for that! I was cam-whoring like a secondary school kid at work this morning!

This would be how I look like if I had double eye-lid! Hahahah

and then I put a twist to my face just so I can annoy her! I even took a photo of that in Hazel's phone. HAH! See, JIAHUI! I TOLD YOU I WOULD PUT THE PHOTO UP. NOW YOU OWE ME $10!

He thought I wouldn't dare put that photo of me up on my blog. OK I KNOW. DAMN AHLIAN.

And then Hazel tried to peek into my photos!

Oh my, and here's a photo of candice wearing a "Lick me" shirt. And I make her place it at at promiscuous position just so.... she can flirt with the left-hair parting guy she flirt-ed with during the first week!

OHMY. LOOK AT HOW DRUNK EVERYBODY IS.
First it was 3.

Then it was 4.

Then 5. (LOOK AT AHBONG'S LOBSTER HAND)

As usual la, this woman :/

And these are pretty pictures of my childhood friend and I at butterfac before she got drunk! :)

And here's a photo of candice & me. I realized we've known each other a long time and we've been through alot. This photo is really nice although I don't know wth the two guys are doing behind! HAHAHA.

Oh fyi, the party that night was called Pornography @ Butterfac.
Butterfac, FTW! :)

People with insecurities.

2008-05-05T01:17:00.004+08:00

I always wonder why people have to broadcast it to everyone that they are so very much in love. I know when you're blinded in love, it tends to happen. And yes, I won't deny that in future when I do have a boyfriend, I might just turn out to be one of those girls I look in disgust right now. Or in fact, I could have been exactly like that when I was in a relationship previously.

Placing it up all over the web just for everybody's viewing pleasure. Pictures come with words, and words come with meaning. And what is the underlying meaning of all these girls who put up their photos and words of how their boyfriends love them so?

Insecurities.

That's a huge word to accept, but really, women of all ages just have to accept it. It is true, we seldom see men put up photos of their girlfriends because they seldom like to broadcast their insecurities (or their emotional side) to the outside world. But women put it all up for other women to see!

We put up big big words and big big pictures or even tell our not-so-close friends a thing or two about where he brought me, what he bought me and whatever-we-dont-want-to-hear.

Even though we just want to prove how romantically in love he is with us, the truth about truth is, we are feeling insecure about the relationship. That even though he's so very sweet to us, we're putting it out for the world to see just so we can stamp on our boyfriend's head that he belongs to us, not anybody else. It could be for the ex-girlfriend to see, or the fling that the boyfriend had that we forgave him for, or it could just be for those potential girls who might just try to seduce our boyfriend.

Sad, huh? The insecurities that these photos and words are showing. You think you're just trying to show how romantically in love you and your boyfriend are, but really, it's sad to know that you are just trying to prove a point. A point that's not worth the trying. If you are really really in love, you should not be worrying about your boyfriend cheating on you in any way.

Down the road

2008-05-04T12:39:00.001+08:00

I took a trip down memory lane as I read my old blog.

Here's the link.
http://thediary.org/lyn

I was quite intellectual as a 17 year old, no? :)

Push out the alcohol.

2008-05-01T15:20:00.005+08:00

I know there are photos that people are hoping to get from my blog especially since we drank so much last night. But I assure you, there is not a single sane photo in my HP. Either it's out of focus or it's blur, or it's not even properly tilted. I apologize because I don't have photoshop in my computer that can allow me the luxury of editing the photos to make it look nicer.

Here's the photos from last night (I think Chestine has better photos in her camera. And Mumtazz took some of us as well.)

There were 8 girls last night and 4 bottles of martell. Only 3 girls were left standing (Cheryl, you're not counted!) at the end of the night - Hazel, Ahbong and me. I'm so proud of Ahbong! Her alcohol content is really quite something now.

This is Hazel and I

This is Candice and I (notice she's already drunk) The 'whatever' photo is damn ugly so I'm not putting it up here.

This is Candice half-drunk.

This is Chestine and her 2 lovely friends. Obviously you can't see Chestine because she's already lying down sleeping. Dead drunk.

This is ahbongbong and me.

Ya OK, I don't know what I was doing.

I wanted a photo with my childhood friend, but she was too drunk for it.

We serve Motorola.

Notice Cheryl is drunk?

Thus, the verdict:
Candice- DRUNK. Boyfriend had to pick her up.
Chestine- DRUNK. Sleeping outside Butter factory. How unglam.
Chestine's one friend- DRUNK. Vomited on the butterfactory floor and her whole face was red.
Chestine's other friend- DRUNK. Though she was sitting up outside, she was uttering gibberish and couldnt make a call.
Cheryl- DRUNK. She drank a lot of Martell on the rocks and she was practically sleeping when we were waiting for the cab.
Ahbong- HALF DRUNK. Her whole body was red and she was screaming at the top of her lungs.
Hazel- She didn't drink enough! But she was happy.

ME? The best drinker! Hahahahahahah!

In all honesty.

2008-04-30T01:31:00.002+08:00

There are some different kind of people we meet in life. Most of these people cross our paths in search of something more. Some of them land at what they were wishing for and some of them walk away having known that you left an impression on them. There are certain kind of memories you'd like to keep for a lifetime, and some of them you'd rather not remember at all.

Sometimes we take time to ponder: Do we have what we were in search for, right from the start? And how many of you can safely say that you always knew what you were in search for. I admit, contrary to popular belief, that I always seem to have a certain target for my life. If I want to do this, I generally always get it done. I can't deny that being a woman makes it more difficult because women seldom know what they want. They think they know what they were always looking for, but truth be told, we always wanted to be told what we are looking for.

I have gotten used to being single. Day in and out, I work till my day is due and I head straight home. I don't meet anybody for dinner and I don't watch movies anymore. I'm shunning away potential boyfriends all because I've been hurt one too many times and I always wonder. How can Carolyn ever live a month being single? Truth is, I've been there before and it doesn't help knowing that everybody around you has somebody to pick them up after work.

I am perfectly fine not reporting to anyone although it can get quite lonely at times. But the only perspective I can take of myself is that I have attained the stage where I'm punching my fist in the air in victory. I've made it on my own and I'm still surviving. There are two kinds of people: One who gets really dependent that they have to jump on the next bandwagon that come by; the other of whom cheats on their partners by jumping on every single bandwagon that comes along. I belong to neither of them. I have learnt this about myself.

The only thing I wonder about is whether I am holding out and putting a stop to all these guys because I'm waiting for just one person. Someone who can love me unconditionally yet at the same time, be able to pull my hair and tear my heart apart. Isn't that what life is all about? To be able to love and hate your other half at the same time.

I fell asleep at 8+ and woke up at 1am to a startling call in which I can't fall back asleep again. I read emails that made me almost want to cry through this one hour and I've never felt worse being alone. The fact is: When you're attached, you have a reason to call somebody at 2am in the morning and rant about something as minor as how you're feeling. But when you're not attached, thinking of calling somebody at 2am is really quite a bother.

Don't you feel the same way?

Cannibal king (with photos below)

2008-04-27T12:27:00.007+08:00

I came home dead drunk last night. You question: How would I know if I was drunk? I woke up in my jeans and my top this morning on the floor of my room. Weird much. My handphone died on me and I couldn't charge it.

And if I wasn't a veteran clubber and that I puke after a whole alcohol binging session, I would probably have had vomit dripping on the floor coming out of my mouth. But being the same ol' Carolyn, I was just practically zonked out. I could vaguely remember stuffing cup noodles down my throat at 430am in the morning just around the Md Sultan area.

I couldn't have been more drunk considering I down-ed a couple of Martini at China one with the good ol' Ms Jessica. And I headed to Butter Factory for my weekend-ly(yea I know there's no such word) dosage of Martell. I also somehow remembered I was forced to kiss some manager of the club and I was being stalked by him because he kept holding me and proclaiming to everybody that I was his girl. (I really wasn't, and I really didn't want to. I was really just trying to be nice.)

Here are the photos. And yea, I know, I don't look drunk at all. But I think this was even before I down-ed all of those Martell. And I learn a new game. Some chinese ridiculously stupid but really retardedly cute game; "Shui shi ben dan" from Annie.

This was just before I headed to China One. I met Ahbong and the Cannibal king and yes, we sat at the Clarke Quay river(I've never done it before in my life) and felt like an Ahlian reliving my good ol' days at boat quay river.

Oh, I love this photo. I really don't know how many glasses of this I had to down ):

This is Xiaowei & Annie, my usual Butter Factory kaki.

This being myself, xiaowei & annie.

This is Conan and Annie. She looks really nice in this photo! (:

And the best photo of the night goes to my super long tongue.

Compare.

2008-04-22T01:39:00.002+08:00

For relationships in general, we should never learn to compare. The moment we realize that there could be a possibility that there is a better option out there, the relationship would start to fall apart.

The truth about truth is. It hurts. And it's true, there is always a better option out there for everybody but the choice isn't in the future. It's in the present. It's what you want now. And does what other people want or think that it suits you really determine the right choice?

Why is it that we are always influenced by the people around us to do something that we are not familiar with, or think it doesn't really fit us but whatthehell! We just do it anyway. Just because. Because my friend think it's the best thing for me.

How many of us day in and out, fall into that vicious cycle?

I've been hurt so many times in a relationship that I can sound so depressing at times. But sometimes, just sometimes, I'm afraid that my expectations of a boyfriend is too high. Yet at the same time, I feel that if I don't set these expectations, I can never be really happy.

If I don't compromise, and I don't settle for second best, is there a possibility I'll get the best?

Blowmyvolcano

2008-04-21T00:52:00.003+08:00

I just saw this photo on Charms blog! This is how 5 girls look when they're giving a blow job!

:D hhahahha. This was @ Dbl O a few weeks back.

Whine, bitch and pictures.

2008-04-19T13:28:00.004+08:00

I bet this is going to be a long post because I feel like writing.

I'm starting to be a little miss bitch. I can't stand a lot of things that guys do. It pisses me off, and when it pisses me off, I speak my mind. I know I'd prolly get my karma like feel this emptiness everytime I go out, but I just can't stand it.
These are the reasons why I hate men. And I bet most of the ladies in the world feel the way I do. So here I am speaking up for women

a. Not a constructive conversation.
If you have something to say, say. Don't say things halfway. Don't come and give me this, "nvm.. (Never mind.)" As though I really want to know what you have to say. If you don't have anything constructive to say, don't lure my curiosity and tell me never mind later. What never mind? I mind ok.

b. The lame line.
We all know the "Want to come over my place to watch dvd and chill?" line. It's being overly used by every man in the world, and we know it really just means, "Come over my place and let's fuck." We are not stupid. We are not going to laze at your house and watch DVDs because your hands will manage to find it's way into our pants.

c. Answer my question with a counter-question.
I know this is something that man hate because we really like to ask questions. It's our nature to ask questions to clarify what you mean, but then men can get super annoying when all we want are just answers to our questions. But what do they do? They answer our question with a counter-question. Worst if it doesn't link to what we're saying. "Are we meeting later?" - "Did you club last night?" - "Yes. Are we meeting later?" - "Then you can wake up so early?" - "Yes, so are we meeting later?" Answer my question GODDAMNIT!
Annoying!

d. Don't assume. It makes an ASS out of U and ME.
I get really annoyed when men think they know but in truth, they really don't. "I know you want this." No, I don't. I really don't want that. No matter how we girls want a man who can truly understand us, we can't stand it if they get too sensitive over every thing we say. Sometimes we blurt out things we don't mean to say, and they just want to act like a Mr-Know-it-all. That is really annoying.

e. Think that every woman who dresses with their cleavage showing is a slut.
Some clothes are meant to show a little bit of cleavage! It doesn't mean that you can equate women who dress a little sexier a easy lay. Not all of us are cheap and easy to sleep with. Funny how men want to sleep with the sexiest of the girls around but when it comes to their own girlfriend, we have to wear turtlenecks and not show any parts of their body to the world.

f. Make me wait.
Hello! The world is changing, it's the 21st century! Women are proposing to men, but sometime I like to keep my traditions. Things like, men are supposed to wait for women. Not the other way round. I hate it when I have to wait for a guy, however long, it still pisses me off. Especially if it's for something like "I'm dressing up! Hold on!"

g. Repeat "haix" in my conversation like 200 times in 1 hour.
Yea, we know you're sad that we're not going to meet you today. But that doesn't mean that if you use "haix" 200 times, we are going to change our plans and meet you. The most annoying of all men comes to the point when he say, "haix.. Never ask me along." and when I say something like, "I thought you have work today?" he'll reply, "No la.. I'm not going." So I'll say, "ok. want to come along?" and immediately he says, "Yea, meet what time and where?" Do not use emotional blackmail on us. It will work one time yes; two times if we're stupid. But it will never happen the third time. We will get sick of it!

h. Steal our best friends from us.
This is a two part tier. One: You're the boyfriend and you keep taking time away from our best friend, your girlfriend. You refuse to let her see us because you want her to do this with you and to do that with you. We will get sick of you, really. And we will start to hate you. And you really don't want to piss your girlfriend's best friend off. Because in truth, all of us have a secret invisible file that strikes you off the "Good boyfriend" list the moment you annoy us. And we would end up poisoning your girlfriend's mind that you're not a good boyfriend and within weeks, watch how your relationship falls apart....
Two: You're my boyfriend yet you cry to my best friend. Why? Childish right? You think that my best friend would be your trump card and expect that she'll talk to me about the "problem of the relationship". If there is a problem in the relationship, talk to me. Not to my best friend! Its our relationship, not my best friend's! As though that would help!

i. Guys - young or old - can never aim straight when in the toilet.
And the best thing of all? They won't clean up after they use! They'd just leave their remainder of pee all over the toilet bowl. And when you ask them to clean up after they use the toilet, they would give the same reply "Ya ya ya. I'll do it later."

j. Men who eat peanuts will litter your floor and not pick it up.
This is super sickening! Just like how men smoke and leave all their ashes around the area.

Okay, I feel lighter now.

**
1. These are my little senior team - the dinoland team. I didn't get a picture of my junior team because they were seated separately in the bus.

2. This is my little sister with her really cute "I can't be bothered face" on her birthday at home.

3. This is our desk at work. It's really much bigger but I took a photo of this so you can see how we had this makeshift rubbish bin for two days until the auntie cleaner saw that we don't have a dustbin and gave us one. And now the dustbin is used for Hazel to put her leg on top of it and me to sniff into my tissue and find a hole between her legs to throw the tissue in the dustbin. Hahahahahahaha. GET IT? GET IT? GET IT? NO? ...
(Notice our heels.... it's all over the place. HAHAHA)

4. This was last night @ Butter factory. Ok, you can laugh at me all you want now Hazel & Candice. I told them I'm not going out even if anyone ask me on friday night. But I gave in anyway. :P

Welcome abroad the internSHIP.

2008-04-17T22:39:00.004+08:00

So the past 4 days have been pretty much fun... but exhausting!

I know I did not mention much about the SIP that i've been going through but I have reasons!

1. I'm too tired everyday and I've been spending nights out even though I'm undergoing my internship.
2. Trust me, even though I clubbed last night at Gotham, I made it to internship today.
3. I had a problem last week - I slept at 12am and always seem to wake up by 2am. I eventually visited my old friend(the sleeping pills) to put me to sleep at night. This week? My problem is that I have not enough sleep and by 11pm, I completely switch off.

So, these are my really valid reasons for not blogging. Officially, I have 8 more minutes before my body slowly sleeps by itself, and my mind just switches off so before anything, let me just say I'm having a hell lot of fun at internship.

I think it's the friends I have that's making it worthwhile. I'm working next to Hazel, and Candice & Bella are just sitting a few "pillars" away. We always sneak out for smoke breaks and toilet breaks. Everything is really good in the office. They practically awaited our arrival considering I have mails dated from two weeks ago. On top of it all, they provide stationaries and my own laptop, (: I love my job.

Hazel is hilarious. She's my personal little-miss-giggle. We laugh at everything and we're super efficient. Tomorrow's work has all been cleared today. There's really nothing the supervisors can fault us because we hand in all our work on time and in tiptop condition. The only thing? We laugh a lot and we make a lot of noise. I don't think anyone else but the man sitting in the cubicle in front of us can hear. :P

Alright, enough about my life!
I apologize once again readers, for the recent lack of updates and lack of proper substance in my entries. I will revert back, once I settle down in my work!

In the meantime, go and read this article I did for my mom
-> http://singaporeseen.stomp.com.sg/singaporeseen/viewContent.jsp?id=18072
I am officially super proud of myself!

Read this (mummy dearest)

2008-04-17T18:49:00.003+08:00

Click here for my entry on "Mummy dearest"

WOohooo! Although I'm not so much a fan of STOMP, I'm happy they published it anyway. Now I'm keeping my fingers crossed and hope it'll make my mummy happy (:

Ok, it's ridiculously mushy. I bet you've never seen this side of Carolyn.

*blushes* don't laugh!

Mummy Dearest

2008-04-15T23:37:00.001+08:00

I sent an entry for the STomp's "Mummy Dearest" contest. It's super mushy. I don't know if I even want to place it up here. Maybe if it ends up being published, ... (:

Must win the $1000 cash for my mommy dearest! :P

Internship.

2008-04-15T21:12:00.002+08:00

So, internship for me has started and I have got the results of my little drama students' performance! (:

The junior team got 9th position beating schools like CHIJ and ACS (Barker).
My senior team got 5th position beating schools like Hwa Chong Institution and Acs (I).

I'm so proud of them!

I'm so proud of me as well, because I took a train to town yesterday, and I took a train home today. LIKE NICE! (:

I was going to blog about my first & second day at work, but never mind. Long story..

Happy birthday little sister.

- Okok, I know this entry suck big time but what do you expect me t do?

Adrenaline? (Photos at the end)

2008-04-12T02:21:00.005+08:00

I don't know is it the whole competition that's setting me back on my sleep or I can't sleep these days. Every single day, I reach home by 8pm and I knock out by 12am. And I'll wake up 2 hours later and find myself this inability to go back to dreamland. I would start watching videos at that time and realize after oh-so-long that it is already 7am. Then I would sleep till 2pm when I would get up to go and meet my lovely drama kids.

I don't know how to say this but, I'm so proud of them!

The whole team, yes. Both seniors and juniors. They really tried hard for their spontaneous problems. The juniors even wrote down notes in case the spontaneous problems we practiced for came out. To our ~~horror~~fortunate case, we got improvisation/dramatization for spontaneous thing and they acted it out for me so I know where our school stand!

They were dang good for starters, especially since we didn't really practice spontaneous. I think this whole OotM should start really early so that we don't have to cramp everything in 2 months. However, it's been a long and tough journey and tomorrow will mark the end of it unless they make it to University of Maryland this year during May-June!

Besides, by then, they should be really ready! Can't say I wasn't happy with their performance. Although there were a lot of times I had to spoon feed them like a baby, making me really pissed, there are times when they can really do things themselves. I just hope *crosses finger* that we'll make it to world finals although it's such a tough fight! but Unity! we'll put up a fight!

I received a Unity Alumni award this evening. It's been so long since I went up the stage to collect an award. It's been what, 3 years since I graduate? Can't believe they still can recognize my effort and the plaque is really nice. They even engraved my name on it. Anyway, I'm hoping this adrenaline should run out any minute because I'm meeting my favourite boys(my students ok!) for breakfast this morning at 730am and it's bloody 230am already ):

Here are pictures from yesterday (didn't really take many from my phone):
This was @ Dbl O where Yvonne bought me drinks!

This is @ Dbl O when the others came and join.

This is ahbong acting stupid.

This is Cheryl, me and annie!

This is when Dbl O ended and all of us were smashed but still, we made it to MOS!

Hello fave person (Dave).

They are damn happy, I don't know why.

Excess baggage.

2008-04-11T12:32:00.002+08:00

In life, there are certain excess baggage that you can never really write off. We can never hide that we all had a past and we can never help but think about the What-ifs of life.

No matter how we try to run and hide from our past, it will always be there and it will always hurt a little.

9 reasons why I hate taking the train

2008-04-10T03:21:00.003+08:00

1. Mr I-need-to-be-inside-first
I'm sure we've met this guy. The one who tries to get into the train even before the passengers alight. The age of these men ranges around mid-thirties or fourties and has this uncanny ability to piss everybody off. He pisses the passengers alighting and he pisses the people who are boarding as well because he would
a. push his way around
b. stand right at the door if there's no seat
c. rush to the nearest seat even if it means cramping his way through.

and the best thing of all? regardless of what he's doing, he would just pretend nothing has happened.

2. The "Oops-Pregnant person"-*pretends to fall asleep*
We see an old lady walk in to the cabin and this guy just closes his eyes amidst it all, and just pretend to fall asleep. Even though everybody else around him can see that his eyes are twitching and that he really is not sleeping, he'd rather resort to sitting down and pretending to sleep than stand up and give up his seat for the poor old/pregnant lady.

3. The group of bengs/mats or lians/minahs...
who sit on the floor and blast their sony ericsson phone to really outdated songs like "Oye Mi Canto". It's bad enough to be in the train which is unsteady. Having to sit through (or stand through) this group of teenagers who insist on taking more space in order for their comfort by rooting their bums on the floor... pisses me off so bad.

4. The couple..
that can't get their hands off each other they might as well be having sex right there and then for us to see. What more can I say? They really should get a room.

5. Bad breaths/Body odour
is such a turn off! Really, especially when you can't help it because the train is too squeezy and you're stuck face to face with some really smelly person. I just can't take it!

6. Auntie "my-plastic-bag-deserves-the-seat-more"
Oh my, have you met this auntie? She'd put her plastic bag (NTUC plastic bag) on the seat next to hers and let it seat there and even though there are people standing around, she'd just stare into the blank space.

7. The group of kids that stand right next to each other...
but are talking really loudly about everything in the world. Worst, they'd be talking in broken English. "Go where eat huh?" "Dunno leh. You all decide lor." "CHEEBYE LA, THIS FUCKER AH," and I will always be stunned. Like how old are they? Especially those girls who look barely 16 years old with tattoos on their ankles or arms. They freak me out.

8. Banglahs
I have nothing against them (ok, i'm lying). But they are really annoying because they stare at you as though they're going to eat you up. They make sure they make you feel so uncomfortable because their big eyes would be staring straight at you and they would have this silly innocent smile which I absolutely cannot stand.

9. The girl who presses her butt against the poles.
It is crowded and there would always be some chick who's resting against the poles and we have to resort to holding the pole at either her neck area, or above her head. Like how annoying can that get? If it's not peak hour, it's totally fine if she wants to show her butt crack, but if it is crowded, i'd wish she wouldn't do such a thing.

That is why, instead of squeezing with all these people, I'd rather take the taxi. Really. So don't blame me the next time I say "Hey I'm going to take a cab.." I'd rather be sitting in my own comfort zone (get it, get it? Comfort Citycab) than standing next to these people.

Best friends

2008-04-07T17:29:00.005+08:00

These are my best friends. Can you see them both?

One is sitting right next to me, and the other...... is the eyes behind Melissa's seat.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

I have like best friends in the world. They are very supportive of my drama productions. They'd sit at my house and help me set up props and Ahbong even stayed the night, regardless of how we partied till the early morning. And she got up to go to my drama class with me!

When I told Kelvin (mahjong) that Melissa, Ahbong and I have a quest to complete. His immediate reply was, "Must be up to no good." HAHAHAHAHHAHA.

Job needed.

2008-04-06T16:41:00.001+08:00

I'm looking for a job. Any job.

But I am starting attachment in two weeks time. So my 8am - 6pm are filled. So I can only work weeknights and weekends. Hmp. If you have any job offers, email me at carolynchm@gmail.com

I'm only looking for a temporary job.

Crank dat.

2008-04-05T19:15:00.003+08:00

Today is a really lazy Saturday where I spread my pillows and blankets and all my soft toys on the floor while I laze around lying around it. I guess I'm sleep deprived although I still feel like playing Mahjong now. (: Hahaha.

I'm a happy girl! (;

Last night was spent having Jap food at Cineleisure and Zouk with my favourite girls. Ahbong and Mel.

Best statement of the day came from ahbong: I think I'm growing old too.

See, we all are. Clubbing is just a phase. And officially since yesterday, i have decided I don't want to club anymore.

Sometimes it doesn't need to take one date to know that we'll never be together again. It's impossible because time and again, I give excuses to myself knowing it can never happen. I don't know why but just to let you know, not every girl comes with a price. Remember. I was there for you when you had nothing, absolutely no one, and no money. Now that you have everything, you don't need me. And you're right. You deserve what I did to you yesterday. All the girls around you come and go. Most of them comes with a price, and most of them have a price tag written over their heads. And even if they want you so bad, they're dispensable to you. You don't need them.

Me, however? I'm just about the only girl that is perfect for you, still perfect for you. And I'm the only one you still want after so long.

And just so you know, I agree to what you said. I'm the only one you'll never be able to afford because I don't have a price tag to come with me. And I know I'm the only one you want because I'm the only one you'll never be able to get.

My little boyfriends.

2008-04-04T15:53:00.004+08:00

(: Who said I'm sick of boys? I have these two boys I've been spending a lot of time with, having dinner with them and all for the last two weeks.

Here's a photo of them.

These are the two sunshine boys that I've been going out with recently. Teck Han & Warren. They really are a joy to my life. The both of them have been my "son" since I was in secondary school and I practically watched them grow up. I watched them from two fat kids to become what they are today. Cuter and starting to woo girls. We talk a lot, recently. And I've been talking to my other students a lot.

Now I'm starting to wonder, when my little sister grows up.. will she become like one of us? Cussing and swearing at the age of 10, boyfriends at 13, petting at 14.. and all that kind of shitaz? If that's what my sister is going to become, hell, I'd like to protect her from the cruel world. Really.

P/s: I know they're wearing the same shirt, but I'm really not into threesome or paedophilic thoughts. Even though they're just 2 years younger than I am.

Expiration.

2008-04-02T13:48:00.002+08:00

Today I visited a part of me that I've been putting away behind my head for a very long time now. I keep wondering:

Is there a certain lifeline for everybody? Are we like cans of tuna that can expire after a very long time?

You know we've all been there. To battle away on your phone keying the dearest words on your "Create Message" box in your phone and send an SMS to someone in excitement. To whine and to bitch about the day's weather, the taxi driver's attitude and the littlest details in our everyday life. More often than not, this is to someone you might want to potentially be with or to someone whom you're fond of.

We'd run to the phone excitedly when our phone beeps and the messages come in and smile ridiculously to the phone while you hit the "Reply" button. But when reality checks in, after awhile, when both of you drift apart and nothing happens to the relationship and nobody takes the next move in the relationship, you realize that things start to get stale.

Either one of you are tired of replying the other. Or that you no longer feel the jest in replying. Your answers are all one-word and you give the nonchalant attitude pretty much all the time. Well, in laymen's term, "Half-fucked reply". So this makes me wonder, do we all have lifelines in someone else's life? Can we expire after a really long time if the relationship does not move one step further?

Can we really get bored of messaging each other or talking to each other?

Loss.

2008-04-01T02:07:00.002+08:00

I had a major bitch-fest session with two of my lovely ladies today. I met up with Melissa first and she left for home as she was too tired to stay on. Ah Bong came over to Woodlands area to have a chat with me and we talked about absolutely everything under the sky.

I left Farhana(yes, my good friend in Secondary School- my partner in crime)'s place with a heavy heart and emptiness all around me. The sky was turning dark and I was listening to music while walking towards Bukit Batok station. I walked around West Mall feeling uncomfortable because I suddenly had this thought.

Must we wait till a tragic incident happen before we start talking to each other?

Life is fragile and all of us are growing old by the day. We are no longer kids in the playground without any fear. We'd play spiderman and run around half naked with barbie dolls in our hand screaming like every other little child in the playground. Until we run up the slide and accidentally miss a step and fall flat on our face. This is when we start to cry. This is when we taste pain. The aftermath of this pain is the feeling of fear. We no longer run around and up the slide because we've fallen through the deep "dark hole" called pain.

All of us have experienced loss in our own ways, and all of us know the pain of losing somebody. But is it really necessary to create enemies along the way? Or are we just a fragment of God's play? We've all been through this - Love somebody so much and then you stop contacting them, and both of you drift apart. It happens to both relationships and friendship.

How can we love somebody so much (as a friend and as a partner) for so long and when circumstance arise, we let nature take its course and walk separate paths? Be it a quarrel, or that we move away, or we graduate? Is this what friends are for? We always say "That's what friends are for" when somebody is there for them in the times of need. We always say "That's what friends are for" when you have nobody to turn to but only them.

But truly, is that what friends are for? For them to walk out of your life into their next chapter of their life and only when tragic happens do we go back and start to talk to each other?

If that's the best reason to give, I think it's a pathetic excuse. What if you've been meaning to talk to this friend of yours, and the tragic befalls the exact same friend you've been meaning to talk to? What if it was me tomorrow? Or you in 5 years down the road? How can we be sure the next one going up to heaven isn't you or me? The truth is. We can't. And all we can do is just sit and wait for our turn to heaven and make the best out of today.

Instead of worrying about yesterday, and of what would happen tomorrow, why not worry about today? Why not make the call and make the effort to try to salvage any bad relationships/friendships you've had? Isn't that what friends are for? The effort put in is absolutely necessary. We always give advice to our friends and tell them that it is only right to put in effort in the relationships we have.

But truly, all we are doing is shooting ourselves in the foot and eating our own words because do we practice what we preach? Really, do you practice what you preach?

If you can tell someone today that it takes two hands to clap in a relationship/friendship, are we doing it to the people that matters to us?

Single (and fabulous)

2008-03-31T13:21:00.002+08:00

Well, I've got to hand it off to Sex & the city. I've been staying home last 2 days watching that series on youtube (thank God for youtube!). And it's amazing, the whole thing.

1stly, I stayed home and nua-ed like a really hugeass pig. Not caring about anything in the outside world, and barely eating for the last 2 days. And then I've decided in all the world, that I am definitely tired and bored of men. They really tire me out and sometimes, I just don't know what to do with them. (Don't worry, I'm not turning lesbian) I'm too much of a girl to be bothered with another girl.

I won't be able to take it if i'm ever dating a girl. Women do not know what they want and they definitely want what they don't have. All of which I cannot give, so no, I prefer my man with a dick not a pussy. Think about it, it's so tiring to date girls. They do not know what they want and they expect men to know what they want!

Alright, hands up all you girls who act like that. Because I admit, I'm guilty as charged. One day I can be so in love with a man, and the next I'm terribly tired of dating them.

Of all those articles I've read and of all those people who have talked to me and told me before that I do not need a man to survive.. I'm finally understanding it! It's totally rejuvenating, finally understanding what these people have been telling me all these while! I can live without a handphone now, and my obvious laptop. And it's pretty clear that I can do my own stuffs without them. Other than the fact that my bank account is drying up considering the amount of money I spend without a long-term shopping & meal ticket and a chauffeur. Ok, my bank account is really drying up. It suck balls.

But at the end of the day, I'm still proud to say I'm single (and fabulous) and I'm still partying like a rockstar.

p/s: when the night draws near, and everybody is having so much fun with their boyfriends, it's natural i turn to my bolster and say, "oh i wish i had a man.."

Zouk (Photo spam)

2008-03-30T19:21:00.002+08:00

Alright, there's a lot of photos in this post so watch out guys! It takes a lot of time to load. I didn't put all, I would zip the photos for you guys, so dont worry! But this is for you to bask in the pretty faces of zouk last night.
(Mel, Ahbong, XIAOCHARMS, Huimin (bongs best friend), shawn (xiaocharms friend) and me)

And girls, don't save the photos from here. I will send you the original pictures through zip. There are somemore which I did not upload!

This was outside zouk.

Inside Phuture cam-whoring

This was the angry faces when we were upset the songs weren't good.

Inside Zouk SHUFFLING!

So proud to bring Charms along. I keep making her battle with people 'cos she can dance! And so can huimin. hehehehehehhe.

I am damn happy in this photo

This was charms and her friends

Magdalene came as a surprise (:

KTHANKSBAI. SO MANY PHOTOS. don't save it from here. I will send you the full photos. These photos are 320x240. really small.

Dbl O.

2008-03-29T17:02:00.003+08:00

This is a (really really drunk) night.

Wounded.

2008-03-29T01:26:00.002+08:00

I can't believe I'll ever say this but I'm so sick and tired of guys, boys, men. Whichever and whatever you call them. I'm so tired of dating and the whole game of love. It's too tiring to be part of it.

I'm tired of being madly in love, ridiculously. I'm tired of fighting and being upset with each other. I'm tired of all the making up after a fight. I'm tired of the breaking up and having all the broken heart. To know that at the end of the day, we'll patch up again and then fight all over again.

While we're in search for the perfect one, some of us here have the perfect one right under our nose but we just don't know how to juggle them. Then of course, I hate the whole break-my-heart-yet-I-still-come-back-for-more theory. It's so fucking sickening. I'm tired of crying and having my heart broken or better yet, I am tired of breaking guy's heart one after another. Only to at the end of the day, be torn apart as well.

The wait is so long, but then again, is he (the perfect one) worth the wait? How do I know he's the perfect one when he comes? Will I know if the perfect one is already sitting right under my nose just waiting for me?

What if breaking people's heart is breaking my heart as well? Is that love?

I'm so fucking sick and tired and I had to rant like an ahlian about love at 1.31am. I think I'm bored of staying at home. I need to get up and get out of the house. Fuck.

Club hop night (Photos included)

2008-03-27T22:17:00.004+08:00

I swear to you, I am growing old and I cannot club anymore. Drink, dance and all the shitaz that comes with clubbing.. when I wake up early in the morning, all I can feel is my bones tired and all I need is a comfortable massage. I'm so proud of my students today! They made the audience laugh when they performed their skit this afternoon.

Thank you Ahbong & Gino so much, for all the help. I know you guys woke up early to help me prepare for my students and went through all the trouble to do my production with me! Thanks (: Hehehe.

But in return, I have to club hop with Ahbong last night. and I did. Although I must say, I had a smashing time. That was only because I was half smashed. We drank alot, I mean, I drank alot.

AND CHARMAINE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WAS DRUNK OKTHANKSBAI! (: Photos.

This is me Pre-party photo. Just before I got smashed at vivocity.

First stop: St James Powerhouse
This is Cherelle and I at Powerhouse. We are happy people with happy whiskey.

This is CHARMS and I before she got drunk *teeheehee* She insist she's not drunk but we all know the truth. HHHAHAHA.

Ahbongbong & Me

I love my whisky dry! (I look damn happy in this photo)

Ah bong, however, looks more happy in this photo.

Cheryl keeps giving me this sign. I dont know why.

This was outside St James trying to wait for Charmaine to sober up. SEE! SHE WAS DRUNK! I told you so. Plus this photo of us...WE LOOK SO LIAN!

This was @ Clarke Quay trying to wait for Charmaine to sober up. SHE WAS DRUNK YOU SEE! Apparently she doesn't believe it. ):

Just like butter factory, i was trying to wink at the hot guy behind the photographer.

Third stop: Me @ MOS. We didn't take any photos at gotham penthouse!

Okok, I will not cut my fringe so short anymore.

Last stop: Zouk. Ahbong thinks she's not pretty in this photo although I think she is!

The night was fun. Thanks so much girls!

Social life. (Photos included)

2008-03-26T01:16:00.007+08:00

Alright, I've been too busy to blog lately. I've been so tired everytime I reach home I concuss. I'd just sleep like a log everyday of the week. But do not worry, I still have a social life although I'm a drama coach. This is what I've been doing recently.

These are the students that make it all worthwhile:

I know, they look really cute right? They are supposed to be dinosaurs in Dinoland boot camp. This is the seniors. (: I'll get pictures of the younger ones soon. This is the senior team.

Ok, and even though my art suck balls, I've been trying my best. This is what my students and I did today:

Although this is my room, they did 6 out of 7. Melissa did the last one, and I just spoilt one or two of them re-doing it. Hehe. This is supposed to be the dinosaur tail.

This is the rock that mel and I did for the junior team. So proud of us! So proud of Melissa. Today I found out she took Art class when she was a kid! WOoohOoo. I so didn't. She laughed everytime I tried to make a bit of the dinosaur tail.

Ok, I'm starting to be an "Ahbong". Everything also take photo -.-"

Speaking of bongbong, this is her & her very hyper self yesterday.

I have like best friends in the world 'cos they support me whenever I have to do such things. She accompanied me to buy the materials.

Ok, this is Gino and Ahbong trying to act retarded. I swear to you I hate people to take photos pointing middle finger. Notice I don't ever point middle finger?

I AM CUTE OK! I don't care. I think these two photos are damn cute of me. :) HAHAHAH.

This is handsome Gino.

THIS PHOTO IS RIDICULOUSLY FUNNY OK. But i still love my best friend.

HEHE. Ok, this is really overdue photos sia. HAHAH.

HAHA. This is annie's chalet. Don't be fooled, I am actually drunk in this photo. But look, I am capable of being pretty when I'm drunk OK! hAHAHA. Too bad didn't take any photos with Annie on her birthday! (:
Once again, don't be deceived by our pretty looks.

Without make up, we are really aunties in disguise. And we love to la teh at kopitiam.

A story.

2008-03-24T01:16:00.003+08:00

Once upon a time, I fell in love with a stranger. Someone I met in the club. I've been longing for a guy for so long now, and he portrayed himself as a stable man. Something that would eventually be a very important criteria since I would loved to settle down. He'd accompany me to do all the things I love. Treat my students like his own, talk to my friends like his own. I met his family on his mother's birthday. They loved me instantly and it was only right that I make the first best impression.

However, only a few days after, I thought I fell in love only to realize that I'm actually still very much in love with a guy I used to date. I decided I will not hurt his feelings anymore and laid it out flat to him after 3 days of being together. I told him. "I don't think this would work out. I am not ready for a relationship, and I don't think that by being together it would make me eventually fall in love with you."

He said he would wait for me, and he only wants to get to know me. He thinks that I'm probably the one and only girl who he's so very comfortable with and that he'll never find another like me. He told me he'd only want to woo me everyday and make me happy. I told him to go ahead, although we must draw the lines that we are not together by label.

I continued to meet him every other day when I had time. Even though I still intend to date other guys, I find myself restricting the number of guys I go out with. I'd even stop partying at night because of him. There was always something else to do, hence my decision not to party even though everybody knows me like a wild child. I was shy to bring him out, to show him to my friends. I guess, I've been through a lot to know that perhaps I shouldn't just show a boyfriend who's only been with me for a while to everybody.

On normal basis, I spend a lot, and I know he doesn't earn much. But one day, He surprised me with a phone that I loved for a long time. Although I knew he was going to get it for me, he still intended to surprise me in every way he can. I was afraid the phone was going to go out of stocks in Singapore so I got angry with him. Asking him if he has gotten it, and if he hasn't, I'd go get it myself since I already needed a new phone. Only to find out that he has already gotten it for me. What a spoilt brat I must have been.

On a second occasion, I was hungry because I woke up late and have not eaten the whole day. I told him not to come down and find me as I wanted him to stay home because he has work early the next day. I fell asleep on my bed after a few messages and when I woke up, I called him. He was apparently having supper with his friends at Geylang. Oh, how angry I was. I told him off immediately and said that he could have had dinner with me but nooooooo, he went and had supper with his friends.

Pissed off, I immediately told my friend that I would not pick up his calls and his messages. Even if he came all the way to my house, I wouldn't even open my door. He really did came, and he sent a silly message along with that. "Hey i'm sorry i'm late do u mind opening ur door for me? i'm standing a little too long my hand and legs starts to sore." I bet he did all that carrying the frog leg porridge he bought for me, along with the book he brought for me.

Selfishly, I ignored all his calls and his pursue of seeing me. He rang my doorbell and I opened the door only to scream at him and told him "Do not ring my doorbell."

My brothers eventually let him in and I had a lot of explanation to do. I told him off and then I said I was suffocating underneath all this. I told him that he has got to quit acting like a child, and start acting like we're having a mature relationship. Girls like surprises, yes. But too much of it is killing me. And that he is no longer dating a 16 year old girl. He is being too nice to me and I don't think it's comfortable. Oh how 2 years ago, I must have been doing the exact same thing to an ex boyfriend. Suffocating him the exact same way.

How much I must have been hurting him when I said all those words, I really do not know. It must have killed him there and then. And all he did was still hold me and say, "I just want to make you happy."

Oh how I wish this was true, once upon a time.

All characters portrayed to real life is fiction and this has never happened.

Bleeding love.

2008-03-23T20:22:00.003+08:00

We've heard it all our lives. At least, I have. People always tell me you don't always get to marry the one you truly love. You always probably end up with the second best. Because you don't have a choice.

We'll always end up marrying the one we can live with. Not the one we cannot live without. And That's really sad, just thinking about it. How can people love and lie? I don't know. 'Cuz I got a friend who told me once, sometimes you just don't love someone but you end up falling in love with that person because he/she loves you unconditionally.

Then what's up with all these falling head over heels for somebody? I want that too.

I guess I need a man who would pull my hair but love me gently as well.